The Film Issue #3: Netflix is your friend

2046
Too beautiful for me and you and everyone we know

THE BEATLES ANTHOLOGY (5-DISC EDITION)
Endlessly fascinating for the Fab Four fan; neophyte's perfect introduction

DOGVILLE
Enchanting, horrifying, skeletal and unforgettable. A true tour de force.

DONT LOOK BACK
Electrifying ascent into press conference madness and drop-D cerebellum tunings

JEEVES AND WOOSTER: SEASON 1 (2-DISC SERIES)
Fry and Laurie distilled into pure delight. It's the balm.

THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU
Best seen as a fantastical gloss on Baumbach's Squiddish masterpiece.

LOST IN TRANSLATION
I went from borderline dislike (first viewing) to hypnotic rapture (take two)

PRIMER
A gruesome piece of math, a bachelor machine, a curse

THE SADDEST MUSIC IN THE WORLD
Careening absurdity, Canadian style: as audacious as it is entertaining

STOP MAKING SENSE
Stop making sense—and start watching this movie! Solid gold.

40th Issue: Winterlude

DOG POO
Even though it's frozen, it's still gross to look at.

HILARITY
Two small dogs, wearing smart red sweaters, legs moving briskly

HIPSTER'S DILEMMA
How many hoods is too many? Some say two. Whatever.

HOT CHOCOLATE
It's tasty, but you should probably only have one cup.

MYSTERY TREE
It's January. How come there're still leaves? Albeit crispy ones.

OATMEAL
With milk and honey? You bet. I'm in breakfast heaven.

SCARF
Wear the tails flung backward, carefree, like a Japanese schoolboy

SIDE ORDER OF SAUSAGE
Cut into thirds and resist eating them all at once.

SUBWAY PLATFORM, RUSH HOUR
Burdened with coat, I maneuver with precision of Operation champ.

SUL LUNG TANG
Perfect soup for winter. Try Gahm Mee Oak on 32nd.

L'ENVOI: PUDDLES
PUDDLES
The gutter is filled with icy triangles. Life is hard.

The Ten Words Guide To _______

A QUESTION ONE TEN WORDER WELCOMES YOU ALL TO WEIGH IN ON (SERIOUSLY)
My therapist is all "Buddha this, Buddha that." Cool? Not?

LET'S SAY TEN WORDS WAS A PERSON AND YOU TALKED WITH HIM/HER AT A PARTY
Would you think: "creepily laconic"? Or: "too much information"?

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSION (LEANING AGAINST A GAS OVEN AT A PARTY)
"Did my leg just switch that on?" Check. Recheck. Check…

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSION (SURFING THE NET)
I'll Google my name once more. Anything new at CNN?

ONE OF AN INFINITE NUMBER OF WAYS TO WRITE A TEN WORDS ENTRY
Build a 20-word, essence-capturing sculpture. Then cut 10.

ONE TEN-WORDER'S FRIENDSTER PROFILE
"Bibliophile sociopath seeks sadistic proofreader reject. Our safe word: 'Stet!'"

PRIVATE REVOLUTION
I am getting better every day. (Said privately, with resolution.)

PSYCHOANALYSIS
Dad reads Freud and Jung. I prefer Shakira's Oral Fixation.

THE TEN WORDS WAY OF LIFE
Get shit done. Swim in fun. Sulk? Sure. And sing.

A TEN WORDER WALKS HOME TIPSY, TRIES TO CONJURE UP SOME SUBMISSIONS
"Bricks: beautiful?" No. "Where does all the trash go?" No.

TWLS #4

ARMED FORCES
BY FRANKLIN BRUNO
Brilliantly invasive surgery on the album also dubbed Emotional Fascism

SAMUEL BECKETT (PHOTOGRAPH)
The B-dawg looks like a ravaged grandfather with inter-eyebrow crevice.

ROBERT BURTON
Melancholy bachelor, etceterative cento stuffer, hero to all who sigh

DESCRIPTION OF A SQUEAKY STAIRCASE, FOUND IN RICHARD HAWKE'S SPEAK OF THE DEVIL
"I might have been stepping on a succession of cats."

FICTIONALISM IN METAPHYSICS
EDITED BY MARK ELI KALDERON
Best essay is on the philosophy of mathematics. Go figure.

"IN THE ACT"
BY RACHEL INGALLS
Simulacra on the loose! This gloss on PKD anticipates Berger.

JT LEROY
Turns out Holden Caulfield's actually his "Mother." Top that, Pynchon.

MICHAEL MARTONE (PHOTOGRAPH)
The fictioneer's fictioneer resembles a plump Jeff Goldblum, sans dinosaurs.

MINOTAUR
BY BENJAMIN TAMMUZ
An oblique thriller, structured with flair. Graham Greene dug it.

NORWEGIAN WOOD
BY HARUKI MURAKAMI
Japanese maestro hits pinnacle with Magic Mountain cover version.

NFL Conference Championship Countdown

CAROLINA PANTHERS
Blandly dominant. Easily confused with the Jacksonville Jaguars. Which "Carolina"?

CHEERLEADERS
Camera fixates on their exposed stomachs, announcers grow creepily silent.

DENVER BRONCOS
QB's Jake "The Snake" Plummer. Stadium's "Mile High." Totally phallic.

INSTANT REPLAY
Decides games, busts nose pickers, allows lip reading (often: "shit!").

OVERTIME
This is when field goal kickers tank, the poor bastards.

PICK: DENVER BRONCOS VS. PITTSBURGH STEELERS
Pittsburgh takes early lead, never trails. The Rust Belt rules!

PICK: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS VS. CAROLINA PANTHERS
Carolina wins. Steve Smith — Everyman with a sixpack — scores twice.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS
Intimidating: Coach resembles Inspector Gadget; one player has Sepultura hair.

PITTSBURGH QUARTERBACK BEN ROETHLISBEGER
Nicknamed "Big Ben." Ditto: the Piston's Ben Wallace. Ben Kingsley?

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
Starbucks replaces Coors. Major grunge faux pas: The QB's bald.

The Film Issue #2

BATMAN BEGINS
...but does he finish? His psychoanalysis will never, ever end.

CODE UNKNOWN
A shape shifter, an acid ode to incompletion, a corrosive

GANGS OF NEW YORK
An epic tussle, or the return of the city's repressed?

THE INCREDIBLES
Ponder the machine that can only be destroyed by itself.

THE LEOPARD MAN
Woolrichian menace meets rowdy castanet playing. It's no Cat People!

LIES
Yikes! Brutal, weirdly hilarious, self-conscious, dehumanizing—and deeply humane. Not.

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE
Not quite Wes Anderson, but has its own nervous allure

NETFLIX
Let me reorganize my queue for the eighth time today.

SWING TIME
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off—watch this film again!

TO BE AND TO HAVE
C'est magnifique—mais caveat rentor: ceci n'est pas sitcom Lopez!

The autographed pictures on the wall at Cozy Soup 'N' Burger on Broadway at Astor Place

ALF
Used to tape it for Dad. The quips hold up.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
What happened? He should know that we need mere musclemen.

WONDER WOMAN
Sure, who doesn't want a ride in her invisible jet?

BARBARA EDEN
Jeannie take Wonder Woman in a battle? In her dreams.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ
What if brother Charlie used his birth name, Carlos Estevez?

KOJAK
I have no clue what he represents besides baldness, lollipops.

LIL JON & THE EAST SIDE BOYZ
I thought I was the King of Crunk. Jester, maybe?

RUSH HOUR 2
Tucker was hailed as the next Eddie Murphy. Complex prediction.

ADAM SANDLER
His ghost still hovers around NYU; I liked The Waterboy.

SYLVESTER STALLONE
He isn't as simple as we think. Maybe he is.

Life and How to Live It

I. PERSONAL APPEARANCE

GROWING A BEARD
Conjures respect from people you don't relate to at all.

HAIR
Haphazardly cut my own for five years. Saved a thou.


II. PETS

SUZIE BEA BEAGLE
Mom called her my sister. She ate garbage, entire hams.

MY CAT SCRAMBLES
Wore deli bags like capes. Tore the apartment to shreds.


III. DRUGS

K HOLES
Extremely inconvenient when you would rather be somewhere more specific.


IV. NATURE

WATERFALLS
They gush forth with whatever they're given, yet are often elegant.


V. FAMILY

MY OLDEST LIVING RELATIVES
Once widowed, both grandmothers torched their farmhouses, watched them burn.



VI. SNACKS

First hit it with a mallet. Then shave off slivers.


CODA: TWO HEADACHES
MIGRAINE
It is difficult to think about things outside my head.

SELF-PORTRAIT WITH MIGRAINE
How I despise her, as I become whiny migraine girl.

Morning TV Report

ELLEN
You're a spry, hilarious, supremely entertaining dancer. On opposite day.

LIVE WITH REGIS AND KELLY
Intoxicating mix of beauty and wisdom—but which one's which?

MARTHA
Watch her make a pie while talking to an actor.

NEW YORK ONE
Not strictly a morning show. Good for checking the temperature.

THE PRICE IS RIGHT
A startling glimpse into Middle America—or sneaky performance art?

SHOW BY THE TELETUBBIES CREATOR THAT IS NOT TELETUBBIES
Effortlessly psychedelic. There's a dog on an infinite red carpet.

TELETUBBIES
"Eh oh! Eh oh." Love it. "Eh oh. Eh oh."

THE TODAY SHOW
Katie Couric. Ann Curry. Can you say "Hard C" conspiracy?

THE TONY DANZA SHOW
This man is talented and seems basically likeable! We're drunk.

THE VIEW
A radical experiment in chatter. How do they get along?

More cats, with a focus on Jacques Tourneur's Cat People

CAT I.Q.
My dad thinks his cat's a genius. They unwind together.

CAT PEOPLE (I)
Reservations at "The Belgrade" are now being accepted. Watch out!

CAT PEOPLE (II)
The scene in Central Park is the one to beat.

CAT PEOPLE (III)
Strange days in the Amberson Mansion, hotbed of feline neuroses.

CAT PEOPLE (IV)
Quickening heel taps, a stealthy night, a hiss. Death bus.

CAT PEOPLE (V)
Papery water light spackles the ceiling. Cats hate swimming, swimmers.

THE CUTE FACTOR
At my parents' house, a special baby tundra cat rests.

MICKEY (I)
Disappeared while in-laws on vacation. What isn't the catsitter telling?

MICKEY (II)
Even after accidental Utah abandonment, was found safe and sound.

L'ENVOI: IT HAPPENED ON WEST 89TH STREET?
There's a woman who walks her cat on a leash.

The Cat Issue, or "Otis"

BREATH
Jarring in the a.m. The marriage of fish and plaque.

CATNIP
More like cocaine than marijuana. Otis joneses, bullies, references McInerney.

CLAUDE
Round for a reason: Burns zero calories; still demands dinner.

CLAUDE (II)
Wily birds are so not fooled by her fractured cackle.

CLOSET
Irresistible deathtrap. Kitty fur carpet's a testement to its popularity.

LASER
A white—err, red—whale. Causes heavy breathing, temporary blindness.

OTIS
Sleeps on my chest and my girlfriend's head. Snores loudly.

OTIS (II)
Will let you make him dance. Canadians find it hilarious.

OTIS (III)
Swallows thread. Vet: "Only kittens do that." Me: "He's five!"

WORK
Bats papers, gnaws rubber bands, purrs. "Is the café open?"

30th Issue: A Very Special Retrospective

HOLIDAY ISSUE #1
Read it aloud. You can actually hear us gaining weight.

HOLIDAY ISSUE #2: "DATELINE—PALO ALTO"
A very evocative issue, especially the muffins—and the cat!

NUMISMATIST'S DELIGHT: STATE QUARTERS
A change purse gave us the idea for this one.

THE FILM ISSUE
Whipsmart cinephiles the world over analyzed this one to death.

2006
A poignant look backward and forward, as Janus gets jiggy.

THIS'S BEEN MORE FUN THAN MANHATTAN. TEN MINUTES OF MANHATTAN?
A big hit with the aforementioned cinephiles. Will Woody mind?

THOUGHTS ON WHAT HAPPENS IN THE LAST SCENE OF CACHE
Haneke's potent new film drives us a little bit crazy.

KHAKI
Probably the most comfortable issue available. Suitable for all waistlines.

DOWNTOWN ART SHOW
In which we regain our hipster cred. How's my beret?

30TH ISSUE: A VERY SPECIAL RETROSPECTIVE
A collector's item that you'll hand down to future generations.

Downtown Art Show

ART: FALES LIBRARY
By now does Karen Finley regret pouring chocolate on herself?

ART: GREY GALLERY
Couldn't see anything, but heard good things. No more wine.

BOBST LIBRARY
Seems cooler after reading Povel, though the floor's still tacky.

CROWD CONTROL
"Hey, I'm not a door." "Someone farted." Ow! My foot!"

GREETINGS
How many sweaty hands will we shake before it's over?

NOSTALGIA
Wish I saw Television in '75, not Cinderella in '89.

OVERHEARD CONVERSATION
"Do you like my hair?" "When it's short." "Really?" "Yeah."

REFRESHMENTS
Why not Scotch & pretzels? Hummus & Coke? Salsa? Chips?

SMALL TALK (I)
Finished her Ph.D., has a stalker, a gift for gab.

SMALL TALK (II)
Air kiss. Smile. "Munich was so great." Air kiss. smile.

Khaki

FLEXIBILITY
Both a color and a style, with and without pleats.

ELOCUTION
You've all been pronouncing it wrong. Try aspirating that h.

KEEPING AN EYE ON THE CULTURE
Liked that Gap ad where khaki takes to the streets.

PASSING THOUGHT
Isn't khaki a weird word, when you look at it?

POLITICAL HUMOR
Which Declaration of Independence signer wore them? A: John Hankhaki.

ARE ALL DOCKERS KHAKI? AN INQUIRY (I)
No, they come in a variety of colors and fabrics.

ARE ALL DOCKERS KHAKI? AN INQUIRY (II)
Blue jeans, cords, gabardine slacks. They're not all even trousers.

ARE ALL DOCKERS KHAKI? AN INQUIRY (III)
But they've kind of become synonymous with those casual slacks.

TRAGIC FABRIC
Suddenly, it sounds almost Greek to me. A khaki toga?

ETYMOLOGICAL BLUNDERBUSS
Abundant mystery, the formal in uniform, the casual in semi-casual.

L'ENVOI
This is devastating: J. Crew calls them chinos. Color? Khaki.

Thoughts on what happens in the last scene in Caché

I.
Georges has died, and it's a vision from the afterlife

II.
School's in session—but Pierrot is home, listening to Eminem.

III.
Could it be that Majid's son has absconded with Pierrot?

IV.
Pierrot isn't there because he's with Yves. They're studying geometry.

V.
Pierrot isn't there because he's with his other friend—Jacques?

VI.
Pierrot has a swim meet. He's in the locker room.

VII.
Georges has picked him up. They're going to have dinner.

VIII.
It's all on tape. The instant you leave, it'll rewind.

IX.
That's Majid's son, talking to Pierrot. See? Then they part.

X.
Pierrot has been in constant cahoots with Majid or Pierre.

This's been more fun than Manhattan. Ten minutes of Manhattan?

I.
Viking loved my book. They loved the first four chapters.

II.
You hear about Isaac? Viking loved the first four chapters.

III.
Didn't try to run her over. It was raining out.

IV.
He was given to fits of rage, Jewish liberal paranoia.

V.
In his most private moments, he spoke of his fear.

VI.
That book makes me out to be Lee Harvey Oswald.

VII.
You just happened to hit the gas as I walked.

VIII.
Freud would say I really wanted to run her over.

IX.
I've had some interest in this book for a movie.

X.
This is shaping up like...like a Noel Coward play.

The Film Issue

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE
We counted carefully, and...this almost became our favorite movie

GUY KIBBEE
Seldom seen a human so like a naked mole rat.

KING KONG
Everyone says the first hour is boring, but it isn't.

MATCH POINT
It has a purity to it. Even the stilted acting.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS
Everyone loves you in Brokeback Mountain. What about The Baxter?

NAOMI WATTS
"I moan 4 Naomi!" —Anne Eve Enna, The Palindrome Times

PRIDE & PREJUDICE
Ball scene banter recalls beginning of Death of a Transvestite

TONY TAKITANI
I know this is blasphemy: Is Murakami better when adapted?

TROPICAL MALADY
Everyone smiles manically. People sing. Then someone becomes a tiger.

THE WHITE DIAMOND
More poetic than Grizzly Man, sharper than Wheel of Time