NFL Conference Championship Countdown

CAROLINA PANTHERS
Blandly dominant. Easily confused with the Jacksonville Jaguars. Which "Carolina"?

CHEERLEADERS
Camera fixates on their exposed stomachs, announcers grow creepily silent.

DENVER BRONCOS
QB's Jake "The Snake" Plummer. Stadium's "Mile High." Totally phallic.

INSTANT REPLAY
Decides games, busts nose pickers, allows lip reading (often: "shit!").

OVERTIME
This is when field goal kickers tank, the poor bastards.

PICK: DENVER BRONCOS VS. PITTSBURGH STEELERS
Pittsburgh takes early lead, never trails. The Rust Belt rules!

PICK: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS VS. CAROLINA PANTHERS
Carolina wins. Steve Smith — Everyman with a sixpack — scores twice.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS
Intimidating: Coach resembles Inspector Gadget; one player has Sepultura hair.

PITTSBURGH QUARTERBACK BEN ROETHLISBEGER
Nicknamed "Big Ben." Ditto: the Piston's Ben Wallace. Ben Kingsley?

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
Starbucks replaces Coors. Major grunge faux pas: The QB's bald.