2006

ANNOYING SCRUFFY HIPSTERS ON THE SUBWAY AT 1 A.M. ON JANUARY 1, IMITATING THE HOMELESS GUY WHO HAD HIS JACKET COVERING HIS HEAD TRYING TO SLEEP AND BLOCK OUT THEIR CHATTER
Laughing, taking pictures of yourselves doing this is actually evil.

"AULD LANG SYNE" (TRAD.)
I think they misspelled "old." And "long," and, um, "sign"?

THE FUTURE
Generator of much anxiety. Best referred to in the abstract.

THE PAST
Cannot be recovered, except in long works of foreign literature.

PIGS IN A BLANKET
They had these at the party. Also little quiches, brownies.

THE PRESENT
It's happening as you read this. It's seeping away now.

REGRETS
These will kill you if you let them. Be happy!

RESOLUTIONS
Try to be a nicer person. Develop friendly godlike omniscience.

"ROSALITA," BY BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND THE E. STREET BAND
Great song! (This has nothing to do with New Year's.)

TIMES SQUARE EXTRAVAGANZA, OR HISTORY REVERSAL BEGINS NOW
From certain angles, the giant lit "2006" looked like "2004."

Numismatist's Delight: State Quarters

ALABAMA
Rumor says the Braille is actually a Helen Keller joke.

CALIFORNIA
John Muir? Yosemite? Too proud for the Hollywood sign, huh?

CONNECTICUT
Let me get kissed and write poems under that tree.

HAWAII (PREVIEW)
Pig roast or bust. Give the people what they want.

KENTUCKY
Beautiful horse, nice house. The South is better at this.

MAINE
Inspiring lighthouse beam, brave use of space, love those birds.

NEW JERSEY
Washington crossing the Delaware. It's how everyone thinks
of Jersey!

TEXAS
Big state and big star. Shows confidence—maybe too much.

VERMONT
No hippies, but that syrup man has a good gig.

WISCONSIN
Cow, cheese, and corn: three icons get crowded. Hello, beer?

Holiday Issue #2: "Dateline—Palo Alto"

A DINNER
Some bring strange guests. Awkward hallway encounters, not enough coffee.

THE FUTURE
Secret conference in kitchen. Who will go to law school?

CONFLICT
"But I made vegetarian dinner." Still there is chicken broth.

NOSTALGIA
Furtive drives past former high school. Possible to get caught?

TRADITION, OR LACK THEREOF
Lack of Hanukkah rituals troubling. Maybe we'll pretend it's Thanksgiving?

FAMILY
Short-sheeted bed, salt in cereal. Home, in desperation, becomes camp.

THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT
Show-offs play their instruments. Who is finest? Must Dad improv?

IF ONLY
If only they still played Zoo Tycoon. "No. Personal space."

SURETY
"Extra blankets? Some muffins?" "Sure," we say. Sure. Sure. Sure.

THE CALL OF THE WILD
Some get left behind. Cat's soundless, pupils dilated. Savage again?

Holiday Issue #1

CHRISTMAS COOKIES
I'll just sample one of each from this gigantic platter.

EATING
It's important to consume constantly, to build up "protective" fat.

GIFT
Wow! Thanks for the great lamp—and the gift receipt.

GYM
Planned to go as soon as it opens, but alas.

HANNUKAH
Anyone up for dreidl? We're playing best out of seven.

"LAZY SUNDAY"
Have watched twenty times. Still don't know all the words.

ORNAMENTS
These are awesome and speak volumes about a family's history.

REQUISITE BLACKOUT (WISCONSIN)
Rode my bike. Didn't shave. Copped an "urban mountainman" vibe.

SAYING GRACE
Cousin opened the festivities with "Dear God...," provoking instant laughter.

STOCKINGS
Question: Who in the world ever had such humongous feet?

"New York City Transit Strike: Epilogue" replaces "Issue 20 Gala"!

T-SHIRT WORN FOR 48 HOURS STRAIGHT WHILE HOUSEBOUND
You're so ugly. Why are you on me? Please help.

HARK! SONGS FOR CHRISTMAS
By Sufjan Stevens
Dude's a Christian. Good indie-angelic soundtrack for my walk.

WEST END AVENUE, SUN SHINING
This is great! Fresh air! Shin splints! After two blocks!

PEANUT BUTTER KASHI BAR, CONSUMED CA. 67TH STREET
Good thing I brought provisions. Provisions that taste like gravel.

PENSÉE UPON WATCHING WOMEN SMOKING OUTSIDE AN OFFICE BUILDING
All these beautiful women, smoking outside their office building! Cool.

32ND STREET AS SEEN FROM FIFTH AVENUE
Korean food! I could eat lunch, refuel....Must not stop.

27TH BETWEEN FIFTH AND MADISON
This is a stretch of thoroughfare I've never explored before!

MUSEUM OF SEX ON 27TH BETWEEN FIFTH AND MADISON
What the...? Hmm. Maybe I should go in? No time!

CREDIT SUISSE FIRST BOSTON BUILDING
Ornate gates call to mind Scorsese's paranoiac romp After Hours.

REVELATION UPON APPROACHING 23RD STREET
I'm so glad I did this but it's getting old.

New York City Transit Strike: Day Three

BAD IDEA
Going up Madison. Hitting news-van congestion by the Hyatt

BLOOMBERG
Cabbie, other passenger both think he's doing a great job.

DISTANCE = RATE X TIME
Turns out, places are close to one another. Yet far.

ESCAPE ROUTE
We are going back to California, where there's never transportation.

GINSENG, ATLANTIC CITY, OR BUST!
Hundreds stood in line outside Chinatown pharmacy. But for what?

HEADING BACK TO BROOKLYN, 12/21, C. 7 P.M.
Listened to smooth jazz for one mile and one hour.

"I WOULD WALK 500 MILES..."
Big deal, Proclaimers. Up it to 1,500, maybe I'm impressed.

NICE OF THE CABBIE TO DELIVER ME DEEPER IN THE ZONE
"OK, my friend. I take you a little farther south."

RUNNING SHOES
Finally using these puppies. God, they look dorky with jeans.

SUDOKU
Hard to do it while you're walking. Memorize board beforehand?

New York City Transit Strike: Day Two

AUTOGIRO
A mini helicopter! Just need to see your MI5 clearance.

"CHARIOTS OF FIRE"
Put this on iPod before strapping on the old crosstrainers

ROLLERBLADING
OK, no bikes on the bridge. But what about skates?

"SEA OF HUMANITY"
Dear newscasters: Please stop using this phrase. Instead: "Pulsating peopledom."

TAXI
Taxi! Taxi! Taxiiii! Taxi. Taxiiiii! TAXI! Taxi. Taxi taxi...TAXI!

TELEPORTATION DEVICE
I invented this machine yesterday. In a dream. While napping.

TOURIST
Don't worry about sightseeing. Instead, just "go with the flow."

UNLIMITED METROCARD
I thought we had a deal. Your value's fading fast.

WEATHER
Word to the wise: It's sunny but it's not warm.

WILLIAMSBURG BRIDGE
Enough about the Brooklyn Bridge. What am I, chopped liver?

New York City Transit Strike: Day One

BICYCLE
Should have bought one years ago. Store only has unicycles.

BUS
Sorry I complained about how friggin' slow you were yesterday!

HORN
Someone, somewhere, regrets having the Dukes of Hazzard theme installed.

HORSE AND BUGGY
Mind if I just hang on to the back here?

MTA
For..."Maybe Try Aerobics"? "Makes Turtles Appreciative"? "Mildly Traumatic Abbreviation"?

MOLE PEOPLE
Think they're playing the biggest track hockey game ever? Probably.

RICKSHAW
OK, joker. How much for a ride to Union Square?

TELECOMMUTING
Change out of pajamas at noon. Order in Mexican food

TELECOMMUTING II
Put phone on conference call and speak with misguided authority

VENTURE CAPITALISM
Damn. Just sold the van. Do the gridlocked dig lemonade?

The Office

CAFE BUSTELO
Inexpensive, redolent, and the can is iconic. Coffee is coffee.

CLOCK
Broken? It hasn't moved in . . . Oh wait: There it goes.

ELEVATOR
Not the right place to try your new standup material.

HEADPHONES
Plug into computer, rock out while you process important stuff.

LUNCH HOUR
"Your" time. Visit a gallery. Grab a sandwich. Do sudoku.

MANILA FOLDER
In the Philippine capital, these contortionists make tourists' heads spin.

PILOT G2 GEL PEN
Egads: writes so smoothly you'll think it's made of silk

PRINTER
"Paper jam." "Out of paper." What's up with this machine?

RAIN ON MY WAY TO WORK
Right foot wet. Rain suit cuff rides up over laces.

WORK
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Why? Uh-huh.

Family

DAD
Thanks for playing catch with me, and instilling moral sense.

GRANNY
Buried vodka with her ashes. Favorite Brand: Jewel of Russia.

MOM
Thanks for giving birth to and raising me. You're awesome.

ON BEING A FATHER
More mindset than identity. Most other dads really bug me.

SECOND COUSIN ONCE REMOVED
Am not sure exactly how we're related, but that's cool.

SECOND COUSIN TWICE REMOVED
Who are you? Do we even look alike? What's shakin'?

SON, AT SIX MONTHS
I love your screachy cornball enthusiasm, your show-offy breastfeeding techniques.

STEPFATHER
Had a few. One: Hunter, perm, dentures, called me "newt."

TWIN
You win. Stop competing. (Though, I am a minute older.)

WIFE
Darling, you are a spectacular human being. Let's get lunch.

TWLS #3

ARCHITECTURAL BODY BY ARAKAWA & GINS
My girlfriend owns this. Prick a building and it bleeds.

CONSIDER THE LOBSTER BY DAVID FOSTER WALLACE
Essays are best. Then his fiction. Author photos: distant third.

THE EASTER PARADE BY RICHARD YATES
It's no Revolutionary Road, they say. Could it be...better?

FREAKONOMICS BY STEVEN D. LEVITT AND STEPHEN J. DUBNER
This book is just too freaky, man. "Stephen" and "Steven"?

WILLIAM GADDIS
Resembles Jack Palance. Mastered dialogic sprawl, satire, sneakers with suits.

ETHAN HAWKE & T.S. ELIOT
Both wrote "Ash Wednesday." Only one was dumped by Uma.

HOMER
He's got a great muse. Not bad for being blind.

HOW TO MAKE LOVE LIKE A PORN STAR BY JENNA JAMESON & NEIL STRAUSS
THE GAME: PENTRATING THE SECRET SOCIETY OF PICKUP ARTISTS BY NEIL STRAUSS
What are we supposed to think, Neil? Dude loves penetration.

IT HAPPENED IN BOSTON? BY RUSSELL H. GREENAN
Better than The Recognitions in its descriptions of art forgery.

HARUKI MURAKAMI
Best novelist in the world—or is he somewhat overrated?

The Celebrity Issue

JESSICA ALBA
From Fantastic Four to Sin City, she's one pulchritudinous lady.

ALEXIS BLEDEL
Speaks Spanish. In Traveling Pants, character is of Greek descent.

GEORGE CLOONEY
He makes me want to shave with a straight razor.

ELIZABETH HURLEY
O Hugh Grant, why did you forsake her? Makes swimwear.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Makes us all shout: "Bend it like Keira!" (Bend what?)

LUCY LIU
What makes her so unique? Went to Stuyvesant. Has freckles.

KEANU REEVES
Excellent Adventure days are past—now he plays a dentist.

NICOLE RICHIE
All we know is that she must be stopped immediately.

RAY ROMANO
Do comedians get any funnier than this beloved star? Possibly.

HOWARD STERN
Let's be quiet for a few years. How about...ten?

Snow—Emergency Additional Post

BLIZZARD OF '77
Actually began in December '76. Later a Nada Surf song.

CRYSTALLOGRAPHY, BY CHRISTIAN BÖK
Canadian wiz's beautifully experimental poems capture the season. Buy it!

"FIRE AND ICE" BY PAT BENATAR
"You come on like a flame," then—what? Still confusing.

FLURRIES
Stare at them too long, recreate ambience of old newsreel.

ICICLES
Start looking for these characters to appear soon. Be careful!

"LET IT SNOW"
Perfect: "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow."

MUTANT SNOWMEN
Kids' creations had succumbed to warming temperatures. Time to rebuild.

"MY FAVORITE THINGS," FROM THE SOUND OF MUSIC
Favorite line: "Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes."

FROM STEVENS'S "THE SNOW MAN":
"[N]othing that is not there, and the nothing that is."

WINTER
We like it right now, but check back in February.

Snow

SALT
Melts ice. Rots cars. Makes it tempting to lick streets.

SHOVEL
Keep one handy at all times—because you never know!

SLUSH
Snow/ice blend found on sidewalks. Can be surprisingly deep.

SMILLA'S SENSE OF SNOW
This film was going to establish what's-her-name's career.

SNOW (I)
Eskimos have a hundred words for it. Is that true?

SNOW (II)
A novel by Orhan Pamuk. One of his best? Sure.

SNOW (III)
Canadian rapper, of "Informer" fame. (What was up with that)?

SNOW (IV)
Don't eat the yellow parts unless it's lemonade. Even then...

SNOW (V)
Common nickname for cocaine. Or, uh, that's what I'm told.

SUNDAY
We woke to snow. Fed sunflower seeds to nearsighted squirrels.

Tenth Issue: Special gala edition, in which we take a look back

DEBUT ISSUE
This one was pretty good at conveying the basic idea.

TWLS
Written while a terrible, idiotic media giant "absorbed" Ten Words.

THE LEISURE ISSUE
Things were a lot more stressful under our British overlords.

MIDWESTERN EDITION
A prank involving a burrito sent the new regime running.

THANKSGIVING
Back to normal, we breaked frequently for yoga and boilermakers.

THE NEW DIACRITICISM
Aimed at proofreader nerds and word shamans. Our biggest seller!

TWLS #2
Every TWLS is a warm-up for next May's Houellebecq issue.

THE MUSIC ISSUE
We took acid and composed these backwards. Orb, doog lla...

AUTUMN-TO-WINTER TRANSITIONAL ISSUE
A stopgap of sorts, but with some lovely, limpid gems

TENTH ISSUE
A fizzy recap of our history. Not to be missed!

Autumn-to-winter transitional issue

BIRDS
You've got needs, but nesting under my window? Please leave.

FEET
Are they supposed to be this cold? Without socks, yes.

FIRST OF DECEMBER
So dark already. I haven't even had lunch. Weeping time.

"FOR YOU," SISTER LOVERS
By Big Star
"And in these autumn days I wander through the leaves."

GERMINAL
Dirty mines, dirty miners, dissolute Depardieu—it's all quite distressing.

GOOGLE MAPS
I think I see my foot in that satellite image.

MULLED CIDER
Some people drink cider instead of beer. This is different.

OATMEAL PACKETS
Can't find them—no breakfast. That's fine. I'll rough it.

MUSCLE SPASM
Not as debilitating as the last one, better than broccoli.

WIND
Good for sailboats, kites, pollination, dramatic flag effects, certain hairdos.