The Cereal Issue: Exposing the Dark Side of Breakfast Food

THE QUAKER OATS GUY
It’s the cereal world’s portrait of Dorian Gray. Long story.

SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP
Total vampires, drink blood for breakfast—hence the eternal youth.

TONY THE TIGER’S FANTASY
“Somewhere, a stockboy wedged me next to the Grape Nuts…”

THE CEREAL FETISH CLUB
Rice Crispies writhe topless in cages fashioned out of Chex.

KASHI GOOD FRIENDS: WHAT THEY REALLY THINK
“Your 24-hour grocery store is our blinkless, permasmile hell.”

TUCAN SAM AND THE APOCALYPSE
Evil wizards hope to unleash billions of these Terby-esque terrors.

THE HONEY NUT CHEERIOS BEE WAXES ANTI-BOVINE
“You must consume me with milk from humans, leopards, bats.”

THE LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN
"They pump Botox into me mug with a garden hose."

THE BOOBERRY SCANDAL
"I built a party yacht out of Trix. It sank."

THE LITTLE-KNOWN SHREDDED WHEAT MASCOT
Fired for being "about as fun as a thumb tack."

Winter Olympics

AERIALS
Could watch these all day. Against black backdrop, against gravity.

APOLO OHNO
Was his surname an exclamation upon discovering misspelled first name?

EMILY HUGHES
Always smiling. She's just here to enjoy herself, she says.

FOUR-MAN BOBSLED
What, exactly, do the two dudes in the middle control?

HANNAH TETER
So mellow it makes us smile. Pass the "half pipe"!

MANTRAS
Faith in myself. All along. Believe! Name of the game.

SASHA COHEN
To be played by Alexis Bledel. Anagram: Oh, acne hash!

TORINO
Home of the Shroud, Nietzsche's last stand. Anagram: Riot on!

WHAT HAPPENED
Not the story of who won gold, but who didn't.

WHO DIDN'T
Sasha Cohen, Bode Miller, and lots of people I know

The 50th Issue Gala Edition, or Don't Believe the Hyphenation

THE FILM ISSUE #3: NETFLIX IS YOUR FRIEND
Looking for fun? Drag into your queue for best results.

TEN GROUNDHOGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT
A vigorous rundown of the international meteorological prophecy day's lore

BUSH ACCORDING TO SHARON STONE (AS FEATURED IN AMERICAN VERTIGO)
They'll teach this one in writing classes years from now.

THE FILM ISSUE #4
One, two movies at a time? That is the question.

BAD HABITS/VICE
You looked at this so often, it's a bit unseemly.

TWLS #5: ANSWERS TO RECENT TITLES
Our critical darling: Literary supplements never had it so good.

THE FILM ISSUE #5: STREEP AGONISTES
We anticipate the "throttling" phenomenon, and mull over The Hours.

REJECTED MOTTOS
Everyone loved this one, except for a few readers in

POST-VALENTINE'S ISSUE
Here's one way to salvage a dinner: Think up reviews!

THE 50TH ISSUE GALA EDITION, OR DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPHENATION
What are we doing with our lives? How about yourself?

Post-Valentine's Issue

BREAD BASKET
By evening's end, rolls exhausted, people got English muffins.

COLOR COORDINATION MISFIRE
Thought those socks with red hearts would be a hit.

DRINKS
All taps broken except for Guinness. Feeling fat and fratty.

INACCURATELY DESCRIBED SALAD
This isn't frisée. And what are these lentils doing here?

IN LINE AT A BODEGA (IN RETROSPECT)
Guy behind me: roses and two 40's. Smart move, dawg.

ROMANTIC MUSIC
Stepped outside the death metal fixation: Neil Diamond, Sinatra, Cam'ron.

SILVERWARE
Apparently optional on some parts of the Upper West Side.

THE CHICKEN CONTROVERSY
Is coq au vin supposed to be in...red sauce?

VALENTINE'S CARDS
From stepmother, girlfriend, landlord, P.R. firms—but nothing from Shakira.

THE WRONG BILL
We didn't order this wine, and nobody here had halibut.

Rejected Mottos

I.
"If you can't say it in ten words, it's probably"

II.
"There's a virtue in concision. That's all I have to"

III.
"We're not as skimpy as Two Words, and not as"

IV.
"Someone once told me this joke about an igloo. The"

V.
"Fresh content provided almost daily. At least biweekly. Or rather"

VI.
"Your most irrelevant source for news and reviews on the"

VII.
"Want to know what to see or do this weekend?"

VIII.
"Ten Words: Easy to memorize, hard to forget, fun to"

IX.
"In the future, all experiences will become blog fodder and"

X.
"This page is full of invisible advertising. Please use the"

The Film Issue #5: Streep Agonistes

ANGELS IN AMERICA
Love the ambition. But this dissolves into unsatisfying, mystical moralizing

BEFORE SUNRISE
Luminous, garrulous, and accurately tender; seen through sequel's lens, unbearable

BEFORE SUNSET
I know a place where we can go: Linklater's loveliest

DOGVILLE
Enchanting, horrifying, skeletal and unforgettable. A true tour de force.

GOLD DIGGERS OF 1933
Brilliant Busby, perfect Powell ("Pettin' in the Park"), Gingerly gibberish

THE HOURS
Affecting Kidman, but easy psychologizing. Ed Harris, take a break.

HOW TO DRAW A BUNNY
Playful, mysterious, strangely essential: Here is the ephemeral gone wild

MYSTIC RIVER
A worthwhile hour's somewhere inside, but barely worth the sifting

RIVERS AND TIDES
So good that I too have become an environmental artist

WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER
Ouch! Baxter lovers beware: lame stoner sorta parody strikes out.

TWLS #5: Answers to Recent Titles

WHAT DO PICTURES WANT?
BY W.J.T. MITCHELL
To be touchstones for historians, critics, anthropologists, and philosophers alike.

WHAT DOES MRS. FREEMAN WANT?
BY PETROS ABATZOGLOU
A: She is tender, humorous, pedantic. She wants to be alone.

WHAT'S MY NAME, FOOL?
BY DAVE ZIRIN
A: My name is Mrs. Freeman. I am out-of-print or unavailable.

WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY?
BY AMY SCHEIBE
I make up mildly humorous responses to mindless, rhetorical questions.

WHAT'S GOD GOT TO DO WITH IT?
BY ROBERT INGERSOLL
The savory nuggets here put him back on center stage.

WHO KILLED THE JINGLE?
BY STEVE KARMEN
The Jingle was shot in 1950 by one Mrs. Freeman.

WHO WROTE THE BOOK OF LOVE?
BY LEE SIEGEL
Mrs. Freeman wrote it—beguiling and intractable, naughty and sweet.

WHY DO MEN HAVE NIPPLES?
BY MARK LEYNER AND WILLIAM GOLDBERG
Does coffee stunt growth? What are goosebumps? Is lipbalm addictive?

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
BY JASON
Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this?

OVER THE RAINBOW?
BY CHANDLER BROSSARD
Hardly. It's a folksy tour of Kafkaesque Amerika. Mrs. Freeman?

Bad Habits/Vice

ASSUMING PERSONAS WHILE SENDING EMAILS UNDER THE INFLUENCE
Pushy gym coach, aromatherapist, motivational speaker, werewolf/gourmet, convict... Ugh.

CELL PHONE
Kelly Clarkson ringtone blares during the Brokeback Mountain love scene.

COFFEE
French Roast destroyed my stomach, stained my teeth. More, please.

CUTTING IN LINE AT THE SUBWAY DOORS
Screw the old folks, pregnant women, babies. Mine, all mine.

E-MAIL
Even though I just checked, might be more right now.

LIES
Can be white and black. Gray? What's the difference, really?

NOSE PICKING
Okay if snot's too solid for tissues. Just don't chew.

SKIPPING LUNCH
God, I feel really dizzy. Must. Keep. Working. Must. Keep...

SUDOKU
Diligent playing helps prevent dementia. Let's see...five...five...two...

UKULELE
Best way not to finish writing a novel. Hit it!

The Film Issue #4

BARTON FINK
I love this for the Faulkneresque character, author of 'Nebuchadnezzer'

CONTEMPT
Good on so many levels that the levels hatch levels

CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
A wuxia epic, serene and hectic, with four strong leads

THE DISCREET CHARM OF THE BOURGEOISIE
I think of it whenever subway noise interrupts my chatter

THE KILLING
A beautiful piece of pop clockwork. Best heist movie ever.

THE LEOPARD MAN/THE GHOST SHIP (VAL LEWTON COLLECTION)
Castaneted creepiness chased with nautical paranoia—a solid double feature

MAN WITH THE MOVIE CAMERA
This will permanently change the soft architecture of your eye

THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER
Utter perfection, a Lubitsch Hollywood Budapest bonbon, charming as ever

SIDEWAYS
Slam dunk perfs buoy some dodgy plotting. Giamatti nails it

SPELLBOUND
How do you spell 'quality'? Kids and alphabet mingle heroically.

Bush according to Sharon Stone (as featured in American Vertigo)

CITY OF QUARTZ
She lives in a gilded ghetto, the blighted zones downtown.

OFF TO A GOOD START
She receives me in her home, the Beverly Hills house.

SAHARA
She is wearing a beige skirt and blouse. Sand-colored shawl.

STOP RIGHT THERE
Her hair is short, a little tousled. Bare feet raised.

THE GIRL CAN'T HELP IT
She unfolds her legs, refolds them, pulls at the hem.

AND SO IT GOES
Indictment of the American press. Indictment of the conservative wave.

MYSTERY YUKS
She laughs. Why are you laughing? A memory, a hypothesis.

THE INEVITABLE PREFACE
A few years ago, at the height of my stardom.

WHAT ABOUT BROKEN FLOWERS
"Height of my stardom." A scarcely perceptible touch of melancholy.

"SIC"!
I think, this was the case with Ashcraft, as well.

Ten Groundhogs You Should Know About

CLYMER H. FREAS
Man behind the hogs—inspired, cruelly, by barbequeing fresh "whistle-pig."

ESSEX ED
At last, Ed arrives, escorted by vintage cars and balloons!

GENERAL BEAUREGARD LEE
This Georgia groundhog remains an iconic figure of the Confederacy.

MR. PROZAC THE LLAMA (MICHIGAN)
A shadow of his former self—Noah, killed in 2002.

OCTORARA ORPHIE (PENNSYLVANIA)
It's Octorara who is the king of the whistle-pig prognosticators.

PIERRE C. SHADEAUX (LOUISIANA)
His name describes what he sees—sometimes. Too much wordplay?

POTHOLE PETE (NEW YORK)
The unhoustrained rumbler of the bunch. Keep a wide berth

PUNXATAWNEY PHIL (PENNSYLVANIA)
The Greenwich Mean Time of hawgs. Do we trust him?

STATEN ISLAND CHUCK (NEW YORK)
Not a steak—but try twenty minutes in the broiler

WIARTON WILLIE (ONTARIO)
Canadians worship a different beast. Frequent blood sacrifices are encouraged.