The Cereal Issue: Exposing the Dark Side of Breakfast Food

THE QUAKER OATS GUY
It’s the cereal world’s portrait of Dorian Gray. Long story.

SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP
Total vampires, drink blood for breakfast—hence the eternal youth.

TONY THE TIGER’S FANTASY
“Somewhere, a stockboy wedged me next to the Grape Nuts…”

THE CEREAL FETISH CLUB
Rice Crispies writhe topless in cages fashioned out of Chex.

KASHI GOOD FRIENDS: WHAT THEY REALLY THINK
“Your 24-hour grocery store is our blinkless, permasmile hell.”

TUCAN SAM AND THE APOCALYPSE
Evil wizards hope to unleash billions of these Terby-esque terrors.

THE HONEY NUT CHEERIOS BEE WAXES ANTI-BOVINE
“You must consume me with milk from humans, leopards, bats.”

THE LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN
"They pump Botox into me mug with a garden hose."

THE BOOBERRY SCANDAL
"I built a party yacht out of Trix. It sank."

THE LITTLE-KNOWN SHREDDED WHEAT MASCOT
Fired for being "about as fun as a thumb tack."