Going Home, If Everyone Spoke Ten Words at a Time

MOTHER
"You're too skinny. I will feed you chocolate now, okay?"

FATHER
"You look beautiful. Mom won't let me eat chocolate. Share?"

15-YEAR-OLD SISTER
"I like playing my three guitars simultaneously at dawn, okay?"

29-YEAR-OLD SISTER
"Gym tonight? What? Mom's taking you out to dinner again?"

2-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW
"Let's play horsies at seven a.m.! You weren't sleeping anyway."

FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL AT DINNER
"So what's your major? Oh, I'll buy you a drink."

MAN BEHIND THE COUNTER IN COFFEE SHOP
"Skim chai latte? What for? Love those shoes on you!"

LADY IN LINE FOR A DRESSING ROOM AT THE THRIFT STORE
"You must be an artist. No? What's literary theory? Oh."

E-MAIL TO BOYFRIEND
"I'm going crazy. My mom is sending you some cookies."

WAITER AT RED LOBSTER
"Whose birthday? You in the pink? Free dessert for everyone!"

The Upper West Side

STEALING WIRELESS INTERNET
No password, no problem: Upper Westies leave the connection open

THE INADEQUACY OF THE NICKNAME "UPPER WESTIES"
Sounds like an English sheepdog, but what's better? Uptons? WestEnders?

THE RED LINE OR THE BLUE LINE: 72ND ST.
Bagel opportunities or a cozy stroll down Central Park West?

PARK SLOPE
Upper West Side of Brooklyn, or so cheapos tell me.

SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK
Line up for closing night's tickets during previous night's performance.

GRAY'S PAPAYA
Krispy Kreme couldn't make it, but we'll eat $1 dogs.

MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY
See giant stuffed animals in the house that Teddy built!

WAKING UP BEFORE 6:30
Fairway's lineless, Scarlett's jogging, but you'll only find "Early Edition"s.

HUNGARIAN PASTRY SHOP
Good coffee and free refills trumps dimness and absent Hungarians.

COLUMBIA U
Palace of higher education or delivery goldmine for "budding" entrepreneurs?