Ten Words

A review of my performance as a flash drive

2008-04-11T11:50:00.000-07:00

Based on true events!

Hit Control-C, walked to another computer, hit Control-V. Nothing happened.

We were dancing in the Irish bar--oh, oh, oh!

2008-03-13T19:18:00.000-07:00

A review of Jonathan Richman's show last night at the Abbey Pub in Chicago:

Oh, Jonathan, this will still be fun when you're 80.

Poor track record

2008-03-06T17:35:00.001-08:00

300
Xerxes looks familiar—wasn't he part of Sigue Sigue Sputnik?
THE NANNY DIARIES
Beware of any story with a character named "Harvard Hottie"
MRS. SKEFFINGTON
Bette Davis channels Margaret Sullavan, and then channels Bette Davis

BECOMING JANE
Painstakingly researched dance sequence in which couples mutter barbs? Check!

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE
Maxwell, Jojo, Dr. Robert—all your favorite Beatles characters, together

THE WIRE, SEASON ONE, DISC TWO
Incredible depth of characterization...intricately layered dialogue...stupefying, oppressive boredom

THE WIRE, SEASON ONE, DISC THREE
Manufactured to ensure that our Netflix flow halts for weeks

RATATOUILLE
Directions: Take name of French dish. Remove first syllable. Presto!

PLAY IT AGAIN, SAM
It takes a half hour before you realize: San Francisco?!

HOT ROD
Confused producers put Andy Samberg in vehicle for Adam Sandler

Things I'd never thought to rank.

2008-03-02T06:16:00.001-08:00

An overheard review from a man sitting with a loud dinner party at a table near ours last night at Chicago's splendid sushi restaurant Tanoshi:

Coor's Light is the best thirty-pack you can buy.

Noise and distractions prevented me from hearing his thoughts on 24-, 12-, and 6-packs.

Seen off the Netflix queue and at ye olde cineplex

2007-12-07T15:39:00.000-08:00

IN BETWEEN DAYS
We can review this movie in one word, actually: Mumblekorean
THE NAMESAKE
At once slow and too fast; feels like an outline
ACT OF VIOLENCE (1948)
Thought this would be better than A History of Violence...
MYSTERY STREET (1950)
Meaningless title (what street?), Montalbán lead, skull-and-mugshot freakout
MARGOT AT THE WEDDING
Loved the nightguard, the piece of skin left at theater.
THE DARJEELING LIMITED
What if they just did the whole thing in slo-mo?
THE GOLDEN COMPASS
Now I want to know what my "daemon" is. (Otter?)
HOTEL CHEVALIER
Were we supposed to watch this before or after Darjeeling?
KNOCKED UP
This movie seemed to last nine months! Blame DVD "extras."
OLD JOY
Manages to be humble yet not like anything else. Perfect.

Up Is Up, But So Is Down: A look back

2006-12-29T08:34:00.000-08:00

Two Ten Words staffers (background) celebrate the third's book (unseen).

(Photo taken Oct. 26, 2006, by Casey McKinney)

A la Joe Brainard

2006-11-12T12:02:00.000-08:00

I remember high school in Illinois in the mid 80s.

I remember throwing a dead woodchuck into a vacant locker.

I remember, just before a wreck: "We're gonna biff it."

I remember the kid who showed up with a rifle.

I remember smoking pot out of Coke cans. And LSD.

I remember going to see Big Black on prom night.

I was proud of that. Now I rarely mention it.

I remember the journalism teacher who moonlighted as an exterminator.

I remember the kid who stabbed another kid to death.

It was so long ago that it's not even on Google.

Screening room

2006-09-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

BAND OF OUTSIDERS (1964)
Like a greatest hits album blasting the best scenes ever

DAE JANG GEUM
It's Harry Potter meets Iron Chef in Korea's royal court!

THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA
Sleek, strangely satisfying. Hathaway is absurdly referred to as fat.

LINDA LINDA LINDA
Schoolgirl longeuers, rain-spattered alienation, and pure talent-show joy

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Good small perfs (Kinnear, Carrell, Colette), but not thought out.

THE MIRACLE OF MORGAN'S CREEK (1944)
Brilliant structure, tons of little genius touches; conclusion too abrupt?

NOT AS A STRANGER (1955)
Mitchum, as doc, channels Elvis; tonal weirdness plus adultery

A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION
The weaker of the year's Meryl movies; ninety endless minutes

A SCANNER DARKLY
Better than the novel: Dick's convincing paranoia becomes tangible freakout.

SOYLENT GREEN (1973)
For the first half I thought Heston and Robinson were gay

Going Home, If Everyone Spoke Ten Words at a Time

2006-08-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

MOTHER
"You're too skinny. I will feed you chocolate now, okay?"

FATHER
"You look beautiful. Mom won't let me eat chocolate. Share?"

15-YEAR-OLD SISTER
"I like playing my three guitars simultaneously at dawn, okay?"

29-YEAR-OLD SISTER
"Gym tonight? What? Mom's taking you out to dinner again?"

2-YEAR-OLD NEPHEW
"Let's play horsies at seven a.m.! You weren't sleeping anyway."

FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL AT DINNER
"So what's your major? Oh, I'll buy you a drink."

MAN BEHIND THE COUNTER IN COFFEE SHOP
"Skim chai latte? What for? Love those shoes on you!"

LADY IN LINE FOR A DRESSING ROOM AT THE THRIFT STORE
"You must be an artist. No? What's literary theory? Oh."

E-MAIL TO BOYFRIEND
"I'm going crazy. My mom is sending you some cookies."

WAITER AT RED LOBSTER
"Whose birthday? You in the pink? Free dessert for everyone!"

The Upper West Side

2006-08-14T09:57:00.000-07:00

STEALING WIRELESS INTERNET
No password, no problem: Upper Westies leave the connection open

THE INADEQUACY OF THE NICKNAME "UPPER WESTIES"
Sounds like an English sheepdog, but what's better? Uptons? WestEnders?

THE RED LINE OR THE BLUE LINE: 72ND ST.
Bagel opportunities or a cozy stroll down Central Park West?

PARK SLOPE
Upper West Side of Brooklyn, or so cheapos tell me.

SHAKESPEARE IN THE PARK
Line up for closing night's tickets during previous night's performance.

GRAY'S PAPAYA
Krispy Kreme couldn't make it, but we'll eat $1 dogs.

MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY
See giant stuffed animals in the house that Teddy built!

WAKING UP BEFORE 6:30
Fairway's lineless, Scarlett's jogging, but you'll only find "Early Edition"s.

HUNGARIAN PASTRY SHOP
Good coffee and free refills trumps dimness and absent Hungarians.

COLUMBIA U
Palace of higher education or delivery goldmine for "budding" entrepreneurs?

Househunting in July

2006-07-31T14:10:00.000-07:00

I.
First there was Amelia—her powder room, her lovely home.

II.
Filet of the neighborhood. We thought we could rent it.

III.
Amelia was lying. She had already rented to someone else.

IV.
After Amelia, bedrooms looked like closets. Kitchens looked like bathrooms.

V.
We kept going to these places at dawn, sort of.

VI.
We didn't want "another Amelia." This was my big initiative.

VII.
I was reading this book where someone dies of insomnia.

VIII.
That's just what happens, when you're addicted to Craigslist.

IX.
Or when your lease is up. You take your bed.

X.
You put it in this truck. There's nowhere to go.

Restaurant Roundup — Manhattan edition

2006-06-27T05:18:00.000-07:00

AEGEAN, ON COLUMBUS
Not just mediocre: You'll shell out more than you imagined.

BAR (SOMETHING) ON EAST 58TH STREET
Beppo? Vepto? Vupto? It was nice, dark, better than Aegean

BITE, ACROSS FROM THE NOHO STAR
Middle Eastern Vegan sandwich makes you want to turn vegan.

GABRIELA'S, ON COLUMBUS
Renovated, relocated neighborhood fave is spiffier—but something's been lost.

THE GREAT BURRITO COMPANY, ON AMSTERDAM
Wonderfully fresh Mexican fare—though home delivery is strangely sluggish.

JAMBA JUICE (VARIOUS LOCALES)
Not a restaurant, but a necessary, expensive refueling/refreshment stop

REGIONAL, ON BROADWAY
They bring you the bread wrapped in paper. Clean, good.

SHILLA, ON 32ND STREET
Triple-tiered Korean, strangely momentous views of street, OK fare.

TANG PAVILION, ON WEST 55TH STREET
Forget Shun Lee—this is the best Chinese in town!

'WICHCRAFT, ON EIGHTH STREET
Spacious, utilitarian arena for communing with excellent chick pea concoction

DVD Roundup

2006-06-20T06:06:00.000-07:00

8 1/2
Dreams of fearsome levity. My life is a circus. Action!

AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE (Series 1, Disc 1)
Primitive animation gets tired, but random humor and repetition charm.

THE CONVERSATION
Intimate and elliptical, potently paranoiac: The surveillance movie to beat

THE CORPORATION
More scattershot and less compelling than Enron; still packs punch.

ENRON: THE SMARTEST GUYS IN THE ROOM
Will have you stewing in outrage even when slightly confused

GLEN OR GLENDA?
Like a public health flick gone haywire: "Pull the string!"

THE PRISONER
Skimpy disc 1 (one episode?!) is nevertheless sleekly surreal

TOUCH OF EVIL
Beginning's great, end's great, middle's fine. Bill with The Conversation?

THE WHITE COUNTESS
Dreary slog's a surprise, given Ishiguro story and Doyle lens

THE YOUNG VISITERS
Everyone in this oddball offering is on the same page.

Spring Grab-Bag (We're a Little Late on This One)

2006-05-17T05:04:00.000-07:00

AFTER THE RAIN
Tiny white blossom petals have adhered to the black umbrella.

THE BERKSHIRES
We dig driving on the Taconic, and eating ramp pesto.

BEST NEW ORDER SONG HAS THIS LYRIC
"You work your way to the top of the world..."

CHICKEN PARMIGIANA
No one told me about this sandwich place before. Mmm.

FASHION
Crossing Eighth Street: Women are rocking coats in unbelievable colors

FROM A CANCUN BROCHURE
"Swim with dolphins in paradise, learn, enjoy and kiss them."

THE NEW LEPIDOPTERY
Filling the air around Herald Square, confetti shaped like butterflies

NYC STREET FAIR
The same food vendors, no matter which neighborhood it's in.

THE THING ABOUT PARK SLOPE
Everyone lives there now who used to live somewhere else.

TEN WORDS GONE WILD
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes? Yes. Yes...Yes! Yes. Maybe.

Kate Moss at Bite: a real-life novella by Carla

2006-05-01T14:17:00.000-07:00

WOW!
Kate was looking petite and glamorous in a black sweater.

THE BASIC GETUP
A lightweight, long-sleeved, crew-necked black sweater, tucked into black jeans.

SHOES AND ACCESSORIES
Black flats and the white Dior sunglasses from the advertisements.

ADDITIONAL DETAILS
She carried no bag. Her one companion was her bodyguard.

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE BENJAMINS
He handed her a bill for two sandwiches, two lemonades.

LAUGHTER IN THE DARK
The sandwich man was laughing, as usual. Who knows why?

ORDER UP!
"Three turkey sandwiches! Three lemonades!" he called, to his sous-chef.

THREE
(The third sandwich, the third lemonade—these belonged to Ed.)

GATHERING SOME MOSS
Kate slouched against the shoulder-high counter, in languid anticipation.

MY FRIEND KATE
We were both so busy. So busy waiting for sandwiches.

L'ENVOI
What am I doing here? Where has my sweater gone?

A.M. Homes—Variations

2006-04-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

ESTHER IN THE NIGHT: ESTHER IN THE NIGHTIE
A softcore and almost tasteful spin on the biblical standby.

JACK: SACK
In this unspeakably dirty lipogram, every word rhymes with "snack."

MUSIC FOR TORCHING: MUSIC FOR TOUCHING
A group of wooden pyromaniacs sings very sad, slow songs.

SLUMBER PARTY: SLUMBER PARTY
L-Word junkies, beware: This story is a total sausage factory.

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW: THINGS YOU SHOULD SHOW
Dogwalker gets busted for indecent exposure. Pet owners plan jailbreak.

ADULTS ALONE: ADULTS ALONE
ADULTS ALONE ADULTS ALONE ADULTS ALONE ADULTS ALONE.

CHUNKY IN HEAT: CHUNKY IN HEAT
There's no peanut butter involved here—but there is jelly.

THE END OF ALICE: THE END OF ALICE?
Lewis Carroll gets beaten to death by a sultry walrus.

THIS BOOK WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE: THIS BOOK WILL FUCK YOU UP
Empathize with its middle-aged protag at your own risk.

Ten Concerts Seen in Buffalo, New York

2006-04-04T14:56:00.000-07:00

DIRTY PROJECTORS
Initially, felt sorry for paltry attendance; then, I left early.

AUTOLUX
Celebrity sighting! Unfortunately was only drummer's useless beau Giovanni Ribisi.

HOT HOT HEAT
Bays convincingly explained "Middle of Nowhere" wasn't descriptive of Buffalo

THE BLOOD BROTHERS
Depressing realization: I am twice as old as other attendees.

TED LEO + THE PHARMACISTS
Ted's boring patter—one fan's response: "Get on with it!"

DO MAKE SAY THINK
How many musicians fit on SoundLab's tiny stage? Answer: Nine.

DEERHOOF
Tall folks surround me; yet miniature jumping Satomi still visible.

THE WALKMEN
Hey, I remember that Saturn commercial! Fifteen times better live

BLACKALICIOUS
Free bear hugs for everyone from The Gift of Gab

JASON FORREST (DONNA SUMMER)
Revealed he is just another chubby guy born in Buffalo.

60th Issue: A look back at the way we were

2006-03-30T05:45:00.000-08:00

WINTER OLYMPICS
In the future, this will be all that we remember

THE CEREAL ISSUE: EXPOSING THE DARK SIDE OF BREAKFAST FOOD
Food for thought. "Snap, Crackle, Pop" isn't the same anymore.

POSTCARD FROM PRAGUE
If Kafka had read this, he'd have cheered up immensely.

OSCAR NATION
This one was read by the Hollywood intelligentsia, i.e., nobody

CONTROVERSIAL STATEN ISLAND POST, SENT IN BY A DISGRUNTLED CORRESPONDENT
Uncannily timed, this was published right before the scrub fires

THE FILM ISSUE #6: GRAB-BAG!
A desperate ploy to capture your attention, garner studio ads

THE FILM ISSUE #7: ANOTHER ONE ALREADY?
See above.

EUROPA, EUROPA
A wry travelogue from our bereted and worldly erotic expert

BAD DAY AT THE OFFICE
This has been labeled nonfiction by the powers that be.

60TH ISSUE: A LOOK BACK AT THE WAY WE WERE
Thank you for reading Ten Words. We're doing our best.

Bad Day at the Office

2006-03-28T04:14:00.000-08:00

Corporate Doublespeak
"We love your work. Now cut costs by two thirds."

Applicant's Conundrum
"To apply, you must create your own detailed job description."

Over/Under Qualified
You know--damned if you are, damned if you aren't.

Paper Cut
I didn't wear the envelope gloves again. Stings in water.

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
Wrist braces turn trips to the urinal into small nightmares.

Computer Just Crashed
We'd call our tech friend, but she got laid off.

So Your Office Is a Brain-Zapping Fluro-Zone
It makes sense that they'd provide decent coffee, but nooooooo.

Job Protection
"Hey, we're not getting rid of your job--just you."

Seeing the Bossman on the Subway After Work
There's a photo of this next to "awkward" in Webster's.

Europa, Europa

2006-03-23T19:38:00.000-08:00

ITALY

Coffee tastes better from tiny mugs as Berlusconi grins sharkishly

ITALIAN TV

A bird's eye view. Sparkles glisten in heaving cleavage mound

PARIS (I)

Prince Paul at nightclub. Young Parisians are anti Lil Jon.

PARIS (II)

Overcharged at brasserie. Benny Hill cell phone ring. At ease.

PIZZA PLACE IN VERONA

Tight pantsed metal cover band: "Highway to Hell." Fresh cheeses.

DONA VICINA

Small farm. Not my memories. Leaping dog stains her coat.

VENICE

That reggae band sure was terrible. Kissing's still fun though.

VENICE (II)
Mangy dog in wine bar. Muddy Waters feels his pain.

VENICE (III)

Favorite films on restaurant mat. Is it still Rio Bravo?

VERONA

Those swastikas are a little off-putting. Hey, there's Juliet!

The Film Issue #7: Another One Already?

2006-03-22T05:04:00.000-08:00

THE COLOR OF MONEY
Not one of Scorsese's best, but man, what camera work!

DARKON
South By Southwest documentary hit which deserves a
wider audience.

CLINT EASTWOOD
Why is he always squinting? Dude, just get some
sunglasses.

HELL IS FOR HEROES
The United States Army's unfair advantage over
Germany: Steve McQueen.

BASIC INSTINCT 2
Pay ten bucks, watch Stone bang her way across Europe.

EDWARD D. WOOD JR.
Director of the very best bad movies of all time.

L'ENFANT
Don't know what it's about, can't wait to see it.

GEORGE CLOONEY
Won an acting Oscar for Syriana for directing another
movie.

X-MEN: THE LAST STAND
Looks like an even worse adaptation than Howard the
Duck.

ALL OF DAVID CRONENBERG'S MOVIES IN ONE LINE OF
DIALOGUE
"I'm talking about penetration beyond the veil of the flesh!"

The Film Issue #6: Grab-bag!

2006-03-18T07:04:00.000-08:00

Game 6
DeLillo enthusiasts and Red Sox fans hail new favorite movie.

In the Mood for Love
Consensus is that this beats 2046. But is consensus wrong?

L'Avventura
Men appear on the balcony, men appear all around her.

Marnie (I)
"I don't get it" "You're not supposed to get it."

Marnie (II)
"I typed it myself, and I'm a very creative typist."

Marnie (III)
"This building is grounded, Mrs. Taylor. You're quite safe here."

Marnie (IV)
The color red, three taps, lightning storms: Be very afraid.

Marnie (V)
Find what the sailor has hidden: Ship looms beyond street.

V for Vendetta
They only had one chance to do the shaving scene.

Wheel of Time
Imagine a pilgrimage of thousands of miles, covered by bellyflop.

Controversial Staten Island post, sent in by a disgruntled correspondent

2006-03-11T11:55:00.000-08:00

DO THE RIGHT THING
It’s wrong not to like Staten Island. But it’s true.

THE TRUTH
I don’t like Staten Island. It’s just so far away.

THE CANINE FACTOR
You have to take this ferry. Get sniffed by dogs.

THE DRUG FACTOR
They’re drug-sniffing dogs. Or so they say. Not the dogs.

A PLAN
Want to outsmart the dogs? Put drugs in your sock.

CONTROVERSIAL/HYPOTHETICAL
Then bomb the ferry. Then they won’t make you go.

THIS IS TOO MUCH
Bomb the island. Not the island... No, bomb the island.

THE YOGURT FACTOR
Put them out of their misery. I just wanted yogurt.

DON'T CALL ME "CHICK"
These girls were like, “Hey, that chick’s eating a yogurt.”

OY
You want yogurt? You want me to show you yogurt?

NO ONE TOLD US ABOUT SRI LANKAN FOOD
What do you people eat here? There’s nothing but ferry.

Oscar Nation

2006-03-06T14:28:00.000-08:00

GEORGE CLOONEY
Endearing remark: Mentioning his "Sexiest Man Alive" citation from 1997.

CRASH: THE TEN WORDS REMIX
Rash? Cash? Ash? Cars? Car? Scar? Has? Arc? Arcs? Sac?

HEATH LEDGER
His name is a notebook for thoughts on wild scrub.

ANG LEE
Deeply moving shoutout to a quarter of the world's population.

MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
A surprising number of second-tier awards for this embarrassment.

JACK NICHOLSON
Tipsy? Hearing secret harmonies? Either way, he read incorrect title!

RYAN PHILLIPPE
Looked exhausted when Reese got her O. "Here we go..."

JON STEWART
From certain angles, strong jawline recalls that of friend's brother

RACHEL WEISZ
So beautiful, straight women doubt. Still, prefer Mummy to Gardener.

WHAT TV AUDIENCES DIDN'T GET TO SEE
Paul Giamatti doing one-handed pushups on the red carpet.

Postcard From Prague

2006-03-05T11:01:00.000-08:00

BEING OFFERED FRENCH LITERATURE BY STREET HUSTLERS
Flaubert and Proust, OK—but I ain't no Houllebecq girl!

CHEAP BEER IN PUBS
Bury your face in a glass to avoid secondhand smoke.

DOGSHIT
Icy weather provides crunch. It's like stepping on autumn leaves!

THE HONOR SYSTEM ON THE METRO
Less a token of trust than a Communist scare tactic.

KAFKA
Prague's official mascot, just as the "self-effacing" bastard always wanted

LUNACY, DIRECTED BY JAN SVANKMAJER
Two tongues fucking: Let's spend weeks untangling this metaphor, brother.

MTV EUROPE
Dear Mr. Euro TRL Programmer: Time to get beyond Beyoncé.

PITHILY BELLIGERENT WAITRESS
I say "give me a minute" and she responds "tick tock!"

SUDDEN RESURGENCE OF EUROPE'S "THE FINAL COUNTDOWN"
Call it EU solidarity, but I still blame Arrested Development.

SMAZENY SYR
This local delicacy translates as "fried cheese." Blunt and appealing.

The Cereal Issue: Exposing the Dark Side of Breakfast Food

2006-02-27T07:38:00.000-08:00

THE QUAKER OATS GUY
It’s the cereal world’s portrait of Dorian Gray. Long story.

SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP
Total vampires, drink blood for breakfast—hence the eternal youth.

TONY THE TIGER’S FANTASY
“Somewhere, a stockboy wedged me next to the Grape Nuts…”

THE CEREAL FETISH CLUB
Rice Crispies writhe topless in cages fashioned out of Chex.

KASHI GOOD FRIENDS: WHAT THEY REALLY THINK
“Your 24-hour grocery store is our blinkless, permasmile hell.”

TUCAN SAM AND THE APOCALYPSE
Evil wizards hope to unleash billions of these Terby-esque terrors.

THE HONEY NUT CHEERIOS BEE WAXES ANTI-BOVINE
“You must consume me with milk from humans, leopards, bats.”

THE LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN
"They pump Botox into me mug with a garden hose."

THE BOOBERRY SCANDAL
"I built a party yacht out of Trix. It sank."

THE LITTLE-KNOWN SHREDDED WHEAT MASCOT
Fired for being "about as fun as a thumb tack."

Winter Olympics

2006-02-26T05:57:00.000-08:00

AERIALS
Could watch these all day. Against black backdrop, against gravity.

APOLO OHNO
Was his surname an exclamation upon discovering misspelled first name?

EMILY HUGHES
Always smiling. She's just here to enjoy herself, she says.

FOUR-MAN BOBSLED
What, exactly, do the two dudes in the middle control?

HANNAH TETER
So mellow it makes us smile. Pass the "half pipe"!

MANTRAS
Faith in myself. All along. Believe! Name of the game.

SASHA COHEN
To be played by Alexis Bledel. Anagram: Oh, acne hash!

TORINO
Home of the Shroud, Nietzsche's last stand. Anagram: Riot on!

WHAT HAPPENED
Not the story of who won gold, but who didn't.

WHO DIDN'T
Sasha Cohen, Bode Miller, and lots of people I know

The 50th Issue Gala Edition, or Don't Believe the Hyphenation

2006-02-19T05:26:00.000-08:00

THE FILM ISSUE #3: NETFLIX IS YOUR FRIEND
Looking for fun? Drag into your queue for best results.

TEN GROUNDHOGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT
A vigorous rundown of the international meteorological prophecy day's lore

BUSH ACCORDING TO SHARON STONE (AS FEATURED IN AMERICAN VERTIGO)
They'll teach this one in writing classes years from now.

THE FILM ISSUE #4
One, two movies at a time? That is the question.

BAD HABITS/VICE
You looked at this so often, it's a bit unseemly.

TWLS #5: ANSWERS TO RECENT TITLES
Our critical darling: Literary supplements never had it so good.

THE FILM ISSUE #5: STREEP AGONISTES
We anticipate the "throttling" phenomenon, and mull over The Hours.

REJECTED MOTTOS
Everyone loved this one, except for a few readers in

POST-VALENTINE'S ISSUE
Here's one way to salvage a dinner: Think up reviews!

THE 50TH ISSUE GALA EDITION, OR DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPHENATION
What are we doing with our lives? How about yourself?

Post-Valentine's Issue

2006-02-15T10:26:00.000-08:00

BREAD BASKET
By evening's end, rolls exhausted, people got English muffins.

COLOR COORDINATION MISFIRE
Thought those socks with red hearts would be a hit.

DRINKS
All taps broken except for Guinness. Feeling fat and fratty.

INACCURATELY DESCRIBED SALAD
This isn't frisée. And what are these lentils doing here?

IN LINE AT A BODEGA (IN RETROSPECT)
Guy behind me: roses and two 40's. Smart move, dawg.

ROMANTIC MUSIC
Stepped outside the death metal fixation: Neil Diamond, Sinatra, Cam'ron.

SILVERWARE
Apparently optional on some parts of the Upper West Side.

THE CHICKEN CONTROVERSY
Is coq au vin supposed to be in...red sauce?

VALENTINE'S CARDS
From stepmother, girlfriend, landlord, P.R. firms—but nothing from Shakira.

THE WRONG BILL
We didn't order this wine, and nobody here had halibut.

Rejected Mottos

2006-02-14T04:57:00.000-08:00

I.
"If you can't say it in ten words, it's probably"

II.
"There's a virtue in concision. That's all I have to"

III.
"We're not as skimpy as Two Words, and not as"

IV.
"Someone once told me this joke about an igloo. The"

V.
"Fresh content provided almost daily. At least biweekly. Or rather"

VI.
"Your most irrelevant source for news and reviews on the"

VII.
"Want to know what to see or do this weekend?"

VIII.
"Ten Words: Easy to memorize, hard to forget, fun to"

IX.
"In the future, all experiences will become blog fodder and"

X.
"This page is full of invisible advertising. Please use the"

The Film Issue #5: Streep Agonistes

2006-02-12T06:41:00.000-08:00

ANGELS IN AMERICA
Love the ambition. But this dissolves into unsatisfying, mystical moralizing

BEFORE SUNRISE
Luminous, garrulous, and accurately tender; seen through sequel's lens, unbearable

BEFORE SUNSET
I know a place where we can go: Linklater's loveliest

DOGVILLE
Enchanting, horrifying, skeletal and unforgettable. A true tour de force.

GOLD DIGGERS OF 1933
Brilliant Busby, perfect Powell ("Pettin' in the Park"), Gingerly gibberish

THE HOURS
Affecting Kidman, but easy psychologizing. Ed Harris, take a break.

HOW TO DRAW A BUNNY
Playful, mysterious, strangely essential: Here is the ephemeral gone wild

MYSTIC RIVER
A worthwhile hour's somewhere inside, but barely worth the sifting

RIVERS AND TIDES
So good that I too have become an environmental artist

WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER
Ouch! Baxter lovers beware: lame stoner sorta parody strikes out.

TWLS #5: Answers to Recent Titles

2006-02-09T13:07:00.000-08:00

WHAT DO PICTURES WANT?
BY W.J.T. MITCHELL
To be touchstones for historians, critics, anthropologists, and philosophers alike.

WHAT DOES MRS. FREEMAN WANT?
BY PETROS ABATZOGLOU
A: She is tender, humorous, pedantic. She wants to be alone.

WHAT'S MY NAME, FOOL?
BY DAVE ZIRIN
A: My name is Mrs. Freeman. I am out-of-print or unavailable.

WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY?
BY AMY SCHEIBE
I make up mildly humorous responses to mindless, rhetorical questions.

WHAT'S GOD GOT TO DO WITH IT?
BY ROBERT INGERSOLL
The savory nuggets here put him back on center stage.

WHO KILLED THE JINGLE?
BY STEVE KARMEN
The Jingle was shot in 1950 by one Mrs. Freeman.

WHO WROTE THE BOOK OF LOVE?
BY LEE SIEGEL
Mrs. Freeman wrote it—beguiling and intractable, naughty and sweet.

WHY DO MEN HAVE NIPPLES?
BY MARK LEYNER AND WILLIAM GOLDBERG
Does coffee stunt growth? What are goosebumps? Is lipbalm addictive?

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
BY JASON
Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this?

OVER THE RAINBOW?
BY CHANDLER BROSSARD
Hardly. It's a folksy tour of Kafkaesque Amerika. Mrs. Freeman?

Bad Habits/Vice

2006-02-07T15:45:00.000-08:00

ASSUMING PERSONAS WHILE SENDING EMAILS UNDER THE INFLUENCE
Pushy gym coach, aromatherapist, motivational speaker, werewolf/gourmet, convict... Ugh.

CELL PHONE
Kelly Clarkson ringtone blares during the Brokeback Mountain love scene.

COFFEE
French Roast destroyed my stomach, stained my teeth. More, please.

CUTTING IN LINE AT THE SUBWAY DOORS
Screw the old folks, pregnant women, babies. Mine, all mine.

E-MAIL
Even though I just checked, might be more right now.

LIES
Can be white and black. Gray? What's the difference, really?

NOSE PICKING
Okay if snot's too solid for tissues. Just don't chew.

SKIPPING LUNCH
God, I feel really dizzy. Must. Keep. Working. Must. Keep...

SUDOKU
Diligent playing helps prevent dementia. Let's see...five...five...two...

UKULELE
Best way not to finish writing a novel. Hit it!

The Film Issue #4

2006-02-06T07:43:00.000-08:00

BARTON FINK
I love this for the Faulkneresque character, author of 'Nebuchadnezzer'

CONTEMPT
Good on so many levels that the levels hatch levels

CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
A wuxia epic, serene and hectic, with four strong leads

THE DISCREET CHARM OF THE BOURGEOISIE
I think of it whenever subway noise interrupts my chatter

THE KILLING
A beautiful piece of pop clockwork. Best heist movie ever.

THE LEOPARD MAN/THE GHOST SHIP (VAL LEWTON COLLECTION)
Castaneted creepiness chased with nautical paranoia—a solid double feature

MAN WITH THE MOVIE CAMERA
This will permanently change the soft architecture of your eye

THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER
Utter perfection, a Lubitsch Hollywood Budapest bonbon, charming as ever

SIDEWAYS
Slam dunk perfs buoy some dodgy plotting. Giamatti nails it

SPELLBOUND
How do you spell 'quality'? Kids and alphabet mingle heroically.

Bush according to Sharon Stone (as featured in American Vertigo)

2006-02-02T15:02:00.000-08:00

CITY OF QUARTZ
She lives in a gilded ghetto, the blighted zones downtown.

OFF TO A GOOD START
She receives me in her home, the Beverly Hills house.

SAHARA
She is wearing a beige skirt and blouse. Sand-colored shawl.

STOP RIGHT THERE
Her hair is short, a little tousled. Bare feet raised.

THE GIRL CAN'T HELP IT
She unfolds her legs, refolds them, pulls at the hem.

AND SO IT GOES
Indictment of the American press. Indictment of the conservative wave.

MYSTERY YUKS
She laughs. Why are you laughing? A memory, a hypothesis.

THE INEVITABLE PREFACE
A few years ago, at the height of my stardom.

WHAT ABOUT BROKEN FLOWERS
"Height of my stardom." A scarcely perceptible touch of melancholy.

"SIC"!
I think, this was the case with Ashcraft, as well.

Ten Groundhogs You Should Know About

2006-02-02T14:08:00.000-08:00

CLYMER H. FREAS
Man behind the hogs—inspired, cruelly, by barbequeing fresh "whistle-pig."

ESSEX ED
At last, Ed arrives, escorted by vintage cars and balloons!

GENERAL BEAUREGARD LEE
This Georgia groundhog remains an iconic figure of the Confederacy.

MR. PROZAC THE LLAMA (MICHIGAN)
A shadow of his former self—Noah, killed in 2002.

OCTORARA ORPHIE (PENNSYLVANIA)
It's Octorara who is the king of the whistle-pig prognosticators.

PIERRE C. SHADEAUX (LOUISIANA)
His name describes what he sees—sometimes. Too much wordplay?

POTHOLE PETE (NEW YORK)
The unhoustrained rumbler of the bunch. Keep a wide berth

PUNXATAWNEY PHIL (PENNSYLVANIA)
The Greenwich Mean Time of hawgs. Do we trust him?

STATEN ISLAND CHUCK (NEW YORK)
Not a steak—but try twenty minutes in the broiler

WIARTON WILLIE (ONTARIO)
Canadians worship a different beast. Frequent blood sacrifices are encouraged.

The Film Issue #3: Netflix is your friend

2006-01-29T08:10:00.000-08:00

2046
Too beautiful for me and you and everyone we know

THE BEATLES ANTHOLOGY (5-DISC EDITION)
Endlessly fascinating for the Fab Four fan; neophyte's perfect introduction

DOGVILLE
Enchanting, horrifying, skeletal and unforgettable. A true tour de force.

DONT LOOK BACK
Electrifying ascent into press conference madness and drop-D cerebellum tunings

JEEVES AND WOOSTER: SEASON 1 (2-DISC SERIES)
Fry and Laurie distilled into pure delight. It's the balm.

THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU
Best seen as a fantastical gloss on Baumbach's Squiddish masterpiece.

LOST IN TRANSLATION
I went from borderline dislike (first viewing) to hypnotic rapture (take two)

PRIMER
A gruesome piece of math, a bachelor machine, a curse

THE SADDEST MUSIC IN THE WORLD
Careening absurdity, Canadian style: as audacious as it is entertaining

STOP MAKING SENSE
Stop making sense—and start watching this movie! Solid gold.

40th Issue: Winterlude

2006-01-26T08:00:00.000-08:00

DOG POO
Even though it's frozen, it's still gross to look at.

HILARITY
Two small dogs, wearing smart red sweaters, legs moving briskly

HIPSTER'S DILEMMA
How many hoods is too many? Some say two. Whatever.

HOT CHOCOLATE
It's tasty, but you should probably only have one cup.

MYSTERY TREE
It's January. How come there're still leaves? Albeit crispy ones.

OATMEAL
With milk and honey? You bet. I'm in breakfast heaven.

SCARF
Wear the tails flung backward, carefree, like a Japanese schoolboy

SIDE ORDER OF SAUSAGE
Cut into thirds and resist eating them all at once.

SUBWAY PLATFORM, RUSH HOUR
Burdened with coat, I maneuver with precision of Operation champ.

SUL LUNG TANG
Perfect soup for winter. Try Gahm Mee Oak on 32nd.

L'ENVOI: PUDDLES
PUDDLES
The gutter is filled with icy triangles. Life is hard.

The Ten Words Guide To _______

2006-01-25T16:20:00.000-08:00

A QUESTION ONE TEN WORDER WELCOMES YOU ALL TO WEIGH IN ON (SERIOUSLY)
My therapist is all "Buddha this, Buddha that." Cool? Not?

LET'S SAY TEN WORDS WAS A PERSON AND YOU TALKED WITH HIM/HER AT A PARTY
Would you think: "creepily laconic"? Or: "too much information"?

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSION (LEANING AGAINST A GAS OVEN AT A PARTY)
"Did my leg just switch that on?" Check. Recheck. Check…

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSION (SURFING THE NET)
I'll Google my name once more. Anything new at CNN?

ONE OF AN INFINITE NUMBER OF WAYS TO WRITE A TEN WORDS ENTRY
Build a 20-word, essence-capturing sculpture. Then cut 10.

ONE TEN-WORDER'S FRIENDSTER PROFILE
"Bibliophile sociopath seeks sadistic proofreader reject. Our safe word: 'Stet!'"

PRIVATE REVOLUTION
I am getting better every day. (Said privately, with resolution.)

PSYCHOANALYSIS
Dad reads Freud and Jung. I prefer Shakira's Oral Fixation.

THE TEN WORDS WAY OF LIFE
Get shit done. Swim in fun. Sulk? Sure. And sing.

A TEN WORDER WALKS HOME TIPSY, TRIES TO CONJURE UP SOME SUBMISSIONS
"Bricks: beautiful?" No. "Where does all the trash go?" No.

TWLS #4

2006-01-23T19:37:00.000-08:00

ARMED FORCES
BY FRANKLIN BRUNO
Brilliantly invasive surgery on the album also dubbed Emotional Fascism

SAMUEL BECKETT (PHOTOGRAPH)
The B-dawg looks like a ravaged grandfather with inter-eyebrow crevice.

ROBERT BURTON
Melancholy bachelor, etceterative cento stuffer, hero to all who sigh

DESCRIPTION OF A SQUEAKY STAIRCASE, FOUND IN RICHARD HAWKE'S SPEAK OF THE DEVIL
"I might have been stepping on a succession of cats."

FICTIONALISM IN METAPHYSICS
EDITED BY MARK ELI KALDERON
Best essay is on the philosophy of mathematics. Go figure.

"IN THE ACT"
BY RACHEL INGALLS
Simulacra on the loose! This gloss on PKD anticipates Berger.

JT LEROY
Turns out Holden Caulfield's actually his "Mother." Top that, Pynchon.

MICHAEL MARTONE (PHOTOGRAPH)
The fictioneer's fictioneer resembles a plump Jeff Goldblum, sans dinosaurs.

MINOTAUR
BY BENJAMIN TAMMUZ
An oblique thriller, structured with flair. Graham Greene dug it.

NORWEGIAN WOOD
BY HARUKI MURAKAMI
Japanese maestro hits pinnacle with Magic Mountain cover version.

NFL Conference Championship Countdown

2006-01-21T10:00:00.000-08:00

CAROLINA PANTHERS
Blandly dominant. Easily confused with the Jacksonville Jaguars. Which "Carolina"?

CHEERLEADERS
Camera fixates on their exposed stomachs, announcers grow creepily silent.

DENVER BRONCOS
QB's Jake "The Snake" Plummer. Stadium's "Mile High." Totally phallic.

INSTANT REPLAY
Decides games, busts nose pickers, allows lip reading (often: "shit!").

OVERTIME
This is when field goal kickers tank, the poor bastards.

PICK: DENVER BRONCOS VS. PITTSBURGH STEELERS
Pittsburgh takes early lead, never trails. The Rust Belt rules!

PICK: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS VS. CAROLINA PANTHERS
Carolina wins. Steve Smith — Everyman with a sixpack — scores twice.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS
Intimidating: Coach resembles Inspector Gadget; one player has Sepultura hair.

PITTSBURGH QUARTERBACK BEN ROETHLISBEGER
Nicknamed "Big Ben." Ditto: the Piston's Ben Wallace. Ben Kingsley?

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
Starbucks replaces Coors. Major grunge faux pas: The QB's bald.

The Film Issue #2

2006-01-19T07:19:00.000-08:00

BATMAN BEGINS
...but does he finish? His psychoanalysis will never, ever end.

CODE UNKNOWN
A shape shifter, an acid ode to incompletion, a corrosive

GANGS OF NEW YORK
An epic tussle, or the return of the city's repressed?

THE INCREDIBLES
Ponder the machine that can only be destroyed by itself.

THE LEOPARD MAN
Woolrichian menace meets rowdy castanet playing. It's no Cat People!

LIES
Yikes! Brutal, weirdly hilarious, self-conscious, dehumanizing—and deeply humane. Not.

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE
Not quite Wes Anderson, but has its own nervous allure

NETFLIX
Let me reorganize my queue for the eighth time today.

SWING TIME
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off—watch this film again!

TO BE AND TO HAVE
C'est magnifique—mais caveat rentor: ceci n'est pas sitcom Lopez!

The autographed pictures on the wall at Cozy Soup 'N' Burger on Broadway at Astor Place

2006-01-18T08:41:00.000-08:00

ALF
Used to tape it for Dad. The quips hold up.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
What happened? He should know that we need mere musclemen.

WONDER WOMAN
Sure, who doesn't want a ride in her invisible jet?

BARBARA EDEN
Jeannie take Wonder Woman in a battle? In her dreams.

EMILIO ESTEVEZ
What if brother Charlie used his birth name, Carlos Estevez?

KOJAK
I have no clue what he represents besides baldness, lollipops.

LIL JON & THE EAST SIDE BOYZ
I thought I was the King of Crunk. Jester, maybe?

RUSH HOUR 2
Tucker was hailed as the next Eddie Murphy. Complex prediction.

ADAM SANDLER
His ghost still hovers around NYU; I liked The Waterboy.

SYLVESTER STALLONE
He isn't as simple as we think. Maybe he is.

Life and How to Live It

2006-01-17T08:25:00.000-08:00

I. PERSONAL APPEARANCE

GROWING A BEARD
Conjures respect from people you don't relate to at all.

HAIR
Haphazardly cut my own for five years. Saved a thou.

II. PETS

SUZIE BEA BEAGLE
Mom called her my sister. She ate garbage, entire hams.

MY CAT SCRAMBLES
Wore deli bags like capes. Tore the apartment to shreds.

III. DRUGS

K HOLES
Extremely inconvenient when you would rather be somewhere more specific.

IV. NATURE

WATERFALLS
They gush forth with whatever they're given, yet are often elegant.

V. FAMILY

MY OLDEST LIVING RELATIVES
Once widowed, both grandmothers torched their farmhouses, watched them burn.

VI. SNACKS

First hit it with a mallet. Then shave off slivers.

CODA: TWO HEADACHES
MIGRAINE
It is difficult to think about things outside my head.

SELF-PORTRAIT WITH MIGRAINE
How I despise her, as I become whiny migraine girl.

Morning TV Report

2006-01-16T08:25:00.000-08:00

ELLEN
You're a spry, hilarious, supremely entertaining dancer. On opposite day.

LIVE WITH REGIS AND KELLY
Intoxicating mix of beauty and wisdom—but which one's which?

MARTHA
Watch her make a pie while talking to an actor.

NEW YORK ONE
Not strictly a morning show. Good for checking the temperature.

THE PRICE IS RIGHT
A startling glimpse into Middle America—or sneaky performance art?

SHOW BY THE TELETUBBIES CREATOR THAT IS NOT TELETUBBIES
Effortlessly psychedelic. There's a dog on an infinite red carpet.

TELETUBBIES
"Eh oh! Eh oh." Love it. "Eh oh. Eh oh."

THE TODAY SHOW
Katie Couric. Ann Curry. Can you say "Hard C" conspiracy?

THE TONY DANZA SHOW
This man is talented and seems basically likeable! We're drunk.

THE VIEW
A radical experiment in chatter. How do they get along?

More cats, with a focus on Jacques Tourneur's Cat People

2006-01-14T19:13:00.000-08:00

CAT I.Q.
My dad thinks his cat's a genius. They unwind together.

CAT PEOPLE (I)
Reservations at "The Belgrade" are now being accepted. Watch out!

CAT PEOPLE (II)
The scene in Central Park is the one to beat.

CAT PEOPLE (III)
Strange days in the Amberson Mansion, hotbed of feline neuroses.

CAT PEOPLE (IV)
Quickening heel taps, a stealthy night, a hiss. Death bus.

CAT PEOPLE (V)
Papery water light spackles the ceiling. Cats hate swimming, swimmers.

THE CUTE FACTOR
At my parents' house, a special baby tundra cat rests.

MICKEY (I)
Disappeared while in-laws on vacation. What isn't the catsitter telling?

MICKEY (II)
Even after accidental Utah abandonment, was found safe and sound.

L'ENVOI: IT HAPPENED ON WEST 89TH STREET?
There's a woman who walks her cat on a leash.

The Cat Issue, or "Otis"

2006-01-12T08:15:00.000-08:00

BREATH
Jarring in the a.m. The marriage of fish and plaque.

CATNIP
More like cocaine than marijuana. Otis joneses, bullies, references McInerney.

CLAUDE
Round for a reason: Burns zero calories; still demands dinner.

CLAUDE (II)
Wily birds are so not fooled by her fractured cackle.

CLOSET
Irresistible deathtrap. Kitty fur carpet's a testement to its popularity.

LASER
A white—err, red—whale. Causes heavy breathing, temporary blindness.

OTIS
Sleeps on my chest and my girlfriend's head. Snores loudly.

OTIS (II)
Will let you make him dance. Canadians find it hilarious.

OTIS (III)
Swallows thread. Vet: "Only kittens do that." Me: "He's five!"

WORK
Bats papers, gnaws rubber bands, purrs. "Is the café open?"

30th Issue: A Very Special Retrospective

2006-01-11T05:19:00.000-08:00

HOLIDAY ISSUE #1
Read it aloud. You can actually hear us gaining weight.

HOLIDAY ISSUE #2: "DATELINE—PALO ALTO"
A very evocative issue, especially the muffins—and the cat!

NUMISMATIST'S DELIGHT: STATE QUARTERS
A change purse gave us the idea for this one.

THE FILM ISSUE
Whipsmart cinephiles the world over analyzed this one to death.

2006
A poignant look backward and forward, as Janus gets jiggy.

THIS'S BEEN MORE FUN THAN MANHATTAN. TEN MINUTES OF MANHATTAN?
A big hit with the aforementioned cinephiles. Will Woody mind?

THOUGHTS ON WHAT HAPPENS IN THE LAST SCENE OF CACHE
Haneke's potent new film drives us a little bit crazy.

KHAKI
Probably the most comfortable issue available. Suitable for all waistlines.

DOWNTOWN ART SHOW
In which we regain our hipster cred. How's my beret?

30TH ISSUE: A VERY SPECIAL RETROSPECTIVE
A collector's item that you'll hand down to future generations.

Downtown Art Show

2006-01-09T18:50:00.000-08:00

ART: FALES LIBRARY
By now does Karen Finley regret pouring chocolate on herself?

ART: GREY GALLERY
Couldn't see anything, but heard good things. No more wine.

BOBST LIBRARY
Seems cooler after reading Povel, though the floor's still tacky.

CROWD CONTROL
"Hey, I'm not a door." "Someone farted." Ow! My foot!"

GREETINGS
How many sweaty hands will we shake before it's over?

NOSTALGIA
Wish I saw Television in '75, not Cinderella in '89.

OVERHEARD CONVERSATION
"Do you like my hair?" "When it's short." "Really?" "Yeah."

REFRESHMENTS
Why not Scotch & pretzels? Hummus & Coke? Salsa? Chips?

SMALL TALK (I)
Finished her Ph.D., has a stalker, a gift for gab.

SMALL TALK (II)
Air kiss. Smile. "Munich was so great." Air kiss. smile.

Khaki

2006-01-09T14:51:00.000-08:00

FLEXIBILITY
Both a color and a style, with and without pleats.

ELOCUTION
You've all been pronouncing it wrong. Try aspirating that h.

KEEPING AN EYE ON THE CULTURE
Liked that Gap ad where khaki takes to the streets.

PASSING THOUGHT
Isn't khaki a weird word, when you look at it?

POLITICAL HUMOR
Which Declaration of Independence signer wore them? A: John Hankhaki.

ARE ALL DOCKERS KHAKI? AN INQUIRY (I)
No, they come in a variety of colors and fabrics.

ARE ALL DOCKERS KHAKI? AN INQUIRY (II)
Blue jeans, cords, gabardine slacks. They're not all even trousers.

ARE ALL DOCKERS KHAKI? AN INQUIRY (III)
But they've kind of become synonymous with those casual slacks.

TRAGIC FABRIC
Suddenly, it sounds almost Greek to me. A khaki toga?

ETYMOLOGICAL BLUNDERBUSS
Abundant mystery, the formal in uniform, the casual in semi-casual.

L'ENVOI
This is devastating: J. Crew calls them chinos. Color? Khaki.

Thoughts on what happens in the last scene in Caché

2006-01-06T22:10:00.000-08:00

I.
Georges has died, and it's a vision from the afterlife

II.
School's in session—but Pierrot is home, listening to Eminem.

III.
Could it be that Majid's son has absconded with Pierrot?

IV.
Pierrot isn't there because he's with Yves. They're studying geometry.

V.
Pierrot isn't there because he's with his other friend—Jacques?

VI.
Pierrot has a swim meet. He's in the locker room.

VII.
Georges has picked him up. They're going to have dinner.

VIII.
It's all on tape. The instant you leave, it'll rewind.

IX.
That's Majid's son, talking to Pierrot. See? Then they part.

X.
Pierrot has been in constant cahoots with Majid or Pierre.

This's been more fun than Manhattan. Ten minutes of Manhattan?

2006-01-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

I.
Viking loved my book. They loved the first four chapters.

II.
You hear about Isaac? Viking loved the first four chapters.

III.
Didn't try to run her over. It was raining out.

IV.
He was given to fits of rage, Jewish liberal paranoia.

V.
In his most private moments, he spoke of his fear.

VI.
That book makes me out to be Lee Harvey Oswald.

VII.
You just happened to hit the gas as I walked.

VIII.
Freud would say I really wanted to run her over.

IX.
I've had some interest in this book for a movie.

X.
This is shaping up like...like a Noel Coward play.

The Film Issue

2006-01-03T08:52:00.000-08:00

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE
We counted carefully, and...this almost became our favorite movie

GUY KIBBEE
Seldom seen a human so like a naked mole rat.

KING KONG
Everyone says the first hour is boring, but it isn't.

MATCH POINT
It has a purity to it. Even the stilted acting.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS
Everyone loves you in Brokeback Mountain. What about The Baxter?

NAOMI WATTS
"I moan 4 Naomi!" —Anne Eve Enna, The Palindrome Times

PRIDE & PREJUDICE
Ball scene banter recalls beginning of Death of a Transvestite

TONY TAKITANI
I know this is blasphemy: Is Murakami better when adapted?

TROPICAL MALADY
Everyone smiles manically. People sing. Then someone becomes a tiger.

THE WHITE DIAMOND
More poetic than Grizzly Man, sharper than Wheel of Time

2006

2005-12-31T08:22:00.000-08:00

ANNOYING SCRUFFY HIPSTERS ON THE SUBWAY AT 1 A.M. ON JANUARY 1, IMITATING THE HOMELESS GUY WHO HAD HIS JACKET COVERING HIS HEAD TRYING TO SLEEP AND BLOCK OUT THEIR CHATTER
Laughing, taking pictures of yourselves doing this is actually evil.

"AULD LANG SYNE" (TRAD.)
I think they misspelled "old." And "long," and, um, "sign"?

THE FUTURE
Generator of much anxiety. Best referred to in the abstract.

THE PAST
Cannot be recovered, except in long works of foreign literature.

PIGS IN A BLANKET
They had these at the party. Also little quiches, brownies.

THE PRESENT
It's happening as you read this. It's seeping away now.

REGRETS
These will kill you if you let them. Be happy!

RESOLUTIONS
Try to be a nicer person. Develop friendly godlike omniscience.

"ROSALITA," BY BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND THE E. STREET BAND
Great song! (This has nothing to do with New Year's.)

TIMES SQUARE EXTRAVAGANZA, OR HISTORY REVERSAL BEGINS NOW
From certain angles, the giant lit "2006" looked like "2004."

Numismatist's Delight: State Quarters

2005-12-30T09:30:00.000-08:00

ALABAMA
Rumor says the Braille is actually a Helen Keller joke.

CALIFORNIA
John Muir? Yosemite? Too proud for the Hollywood sign, huh?

CONNECTICUT
Let me get kissed and write poems under that tree.

HAWAII (PREVIEW)
Pig roast or bust. Give the people what they want.

KENTUCKY
Beautiful horse, nice house. The South is better at this.

MAINE
Inspiring lighthouse beam, brave use of space, love those birds.

NEW JERSEY
Washington crossing the Delaware. It's how everyone thinks
of Jersey!

TEXAS
Big state and big star. Shows confidence—maybe too much.

VERMONT
No hippies, but that syrup man has a good gig.

WISCONSIN
Cow, cheese, and corn: three icons get crowded. Hello, beer?

Holiday Issue #2: "Dateline—Palo Alto"

2005-12-28T14:45:00.000-08:00

A DINNER
Some bring strange guests. Awkward hallway encounters, not enough coffee.

THE FUTURE
Secret conference in kitchen. Who will go to law school?

CONFLICT
"But I made vegetarian dinner." Still there is chicken broth.

NOSTALGIA
Furtive drives past former high school. Possible to get caught?

TRADITION, OR LACK THEREOF
Lack of Hanukkah rituals troubling. Maybe we'll pretend it's Thanksgiving?

FAMILY
Short-sheeted bed, salt in cereal. Home, in desperation, becomes camp.

THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT
Show-offs play their instruments. Who is finest? Must Dad improv?

IF ONLY
If only they still played Zoo Tycoon. "No. Personal space."

SURETY
"Extra blankets? Some muffins?" "Sure," we say. Sure. Sure. Sure.

THE CALL OF THE WILD
Some get left behind. Cat's soundless, pupils dilated. Savage again?

Holiday Issue #1

2005-12-27T23:30:00.000-08:00

CHRISTMAS COOKIES
I'll just sample one of each from this gigantic platter.

EATING
It's important to consume constantly, to build up "protective" fat.

GIFT
Wow! Thanks for the great lamp—and the gift receipt.

GYM
Planned to go as soon as it opens, but alas.

HANNUKAH
Anyone up for dreidl? We're playing best out of seven.

"LAZY SUNDAY"
Have watched twenty times. Still don't know all the words.

ORNAMENTS
These are awesome and speak volumes about a family's history.

REQUISITE BLACKOUT (WISCONSIN)
Rode my bike. Didn't shave. Copped an "urban mountainman" vibe.

SAYING GRACE
Cousin opened the festivities with "Dear God...," provoking instant laughter.

STOCKINGS
Question: Who in the world ever had such humongous feet?

"New York City Transit Strike: Epilogue" replaces "Issue 20 Gala"!

2005-12-23T20:15:00.000-08:00

T-SHIRT WORN FOR 48 HOURS STRAIGHT WHILE HOUSEBOUND
You're so ugly. Why are you on me? Please help.

HARK! SONGS FOR CHRISTMAS
By Sufjan Stevens
Dude's a Christian. Good indie-angelic soundtrack for my walk.

WEST END AVENUE, SUN SHINING
This is great! Fresh air! Shin splints! After two blocks!

PEANUT BUTTER KASHI BAR, CONSUMED CA. 67TH STREET
Good thing I brought provisions. Provisions that taste like gravel.

PENSÉE UPON WATCHING WOMEN SMOKING OUTSIDE AN OFFICE BUILDING
All these beautiful women, smoking outside their office building! Cool.

32ND STREET AS SEEN FROM FIFTH AVENUE
Korean food! I could eat lunch, refuel....Must not stop.

27TH BETWEEN FIFTH AND MADISON
This is a stretch of thoroughfare I've never explored before!

MUSEUM OF SEX ON 27TH BETWEEN FIFTH AND MADISON
What the...? Hmm. Maybe I should go in? No time!

CREDIT SUISSE FIRST BOSTON BUILDING
Ornate gates call to mind Scorsese's paranoiac romp After Hours.

REVELATION UPON APPROACHING 23RD STREET
I'm so glad I did this but it's getting old.

New York City Transit Strike: Day Three

2005-12-22T08:22:00.000-08:00

BAD IDEA
Going up Madison. Hitting news-van congestion by the Hyatt

BLOOMBERG
Cabbie, other passenger both think he's doing a great job.

DISTANCE = RATE X TIME
Turns out, places are close to one another. Yet far.

ESCAPE ROUTE
We are going back to California, where there's never transportation.

GINSENG, ATLANTIC CITY, OR BUST!
Hundreds stood in line outside Chinatown pharmacy. But for what?

HEADING BACK TO BROOKLYN, 12/21, C. 7 P.M.
Listened to smooth jazz for one mile and one hour.

"I WOULD WALK 500 MILES..."
Big deal, Proclaimers. Up it to 1,500, maybe I'm impressed.

NICE OF THE CABBIE TO DELIVER ME DEEPER IN THE ZONE
"OK, my friend. I take you a little farther south."

RUNNING SHOES
Finally using these puppies. God, they look dorky with jeans.

SUDOKU
Hard to do it while you're walking. Memorize board beforehand?

New York City Transit Strike: Day Two

2005-12-21T09:37:00.000-08:00

AUTOGIRO
A mini helicopter! Just need to see your MI5 clearance.

"CHARIOTS OF FIRE"
Put this on iPod before strapping on the old crosstrainers

ROLLERBLADING
OK, no bikes on the bridge. But what about skates?

"SEA OF HUMANITY"
Dear newscasters: Please stop using this phrase. Instead: "Pulsating peopledom."

TAXI
Taxi! Taxi! Taxiiii! Taxi. Taxiiiii! TAXI! Taxi. Taxi taxi...TAXI!

TELEPORTATION DEVICE
I invented this machine yesterday. In a dream. While napping.

TOURIST
Don't worry about sightseeing. Instead, just "go with the flow."

UNLIMITED METROCARD
I thought we had a deal. Your value's fading fast.

WEATHER
Word to the wise: It's sunny but it's not warm.

WILLIAMSBURG BRIDGE
Enough about the Brooklyn Bridge. What am I, chopped liver?

New York City Transit Strike: Day One

2005-12-20T05:09:00.000-08:00

BICYCLE
Should have bought one years ago. Store only has unicycles.

BUS
Sorry I complained about how friggin' slow you were yesterday!

HORN
Someone, somewhere, regrets having the Dukes of Hazzard theme installed.

HORSE AND BUGGY
Mind if I just hang on to the back here?

MTA
For..."Maybe Try Aerobics"? "Makes Turtles Appreciative"? "Mildly Traumatic Abbreviation"?

MOLE PEOPLE
Think they're playing the biggest track hockey game ever? Probably.

RICKSHAW
OK, joker. How much for a ride to Union Square?

TELECOMMUTING
Change out of pajamas at noon. Order in Mexican food

TELECOMMUTING II
Put phone on conference call and speak with misguided authority

VENTURE CAPITALISM
Damn. Just sold the van. Do the gridlocked dig lemonade?

The Office

2005-12-19T09:00:00.000-08:00

CAFE BUSTELO
Inexpensive, redolent, and the can is iconic. Coffee is coffee.

CLOCK
Broken? It hasn't moved in . . . Oh wait: There it goes.

ELEVATOR
Not the right place to try your new standup material.

HEADPHONES
Plug into computer, rock out while you process important stuff.

LUNCH HOUR
"Your" time. Visit a gallery. Grab a sandwich. Do sudoku.

MANILA FOLDER
In the Philippine capital, these contortionists make tourists' heads spin.

PILOT G2 GEL PEN
Egads: writes so smoothly you'll think it's made of silk

PRINTER
"Paper jam." "Out of paper." What's up with this machine?

RAIN ON MY WAY TO WORK
Right foot wet. Rain suit cuff rides up over laces.

WORK
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Why? Uh-huh.

Family

2005-12-16T17:00:00.000-08:00

DAD
Thanks for playing catch with me, and instilling moral sense.

GRANNY
Buried vodka with her ashes. Favorite Brand: Jewel of Russia.

MOM
Thanks for giving birth to and raising me. You're awesome.

ON BEING A FATHER
More mindset than identity. Most other dads really bug me.

SECOND COUSIN ONCE REMOVED
Am not sure exactly how we're related, but that's cool.

SECOND COUSIN TWICE REMOVED
Who are you? Do we even look alike? What's shakin'?

SON, AT SIX MONTHS
I love your screachy cornball enthusiasm, your show-offy breastfeeding techniques.

STEPFATHER
Had a few. One: Hunter, perm, dentures, called me "newt."

TWIN
You win. Stop competing. (Though, I am a minute older.)

WIFE
Darling, you are a spectacular human being. Let's get lunch.

TWLS #3

2005-12-14T23:18:00.000-08:00

ARCHITECTURAL BODY BY ARAKAWA & GINS
My girlfriend owns this. Prick a building and it bleeds.

CONSIDER THE LOBSTER BY DAVID FOSTER WALLACE
Essays are best. Then his fiction. Author photos: distant third.

THE EASTER PARADE BY RICHARD YATES
It's no Revolutionary Road, they say. Could it be...better?

FREAKONOMICS BY STEVEN D. LEVITT AND STEPHEN J. DUBNER
This book is just too freaky, man. "Stephen" and "Steven"?

WILLIAM GADDIS
Resembles Jack Palance. Mastered dialogic sprawl, satire, sneakers with suits.

ETHAN HAWKE & T.S. ELIOT
Both wrote "Ash Wednesday." Only one was dumped by Uma.

HOMER
He's got a great muse. Not bad for being blind.

HOW TO MAKE LOVE LIKE A PORN STAR BY JENNA JAMESON & NEIL STRAUSS
THE GAME: PENTRATING THE SECRET SOCIETY OF PICKUP ARTISTS BY NEIL STRAUSS
What are we supposed to think, Neil? Dude loves penetration.

IT HAPPENED IN BOSTON? BY RUSSELL H. GREENAN
Better than The Recognitions in its descriptions of art forgery.

HARUKI MURAKAMI
Best novelist in the world—or is he somewhat overrated?

The Celebrity Issue

2005-12-11T23:00:00.000-08:00

JESSICA ALBA
From Fantastic Four to Sin City, she's one pulchritudinous lady.

ALEXIS BLEDEL
Speaks Spanish. In Traveling Pants, character is of Greek descent.

GEORGE CLOONEY
He makes me want to shave with a straight razor.

ELIZABETH HURLEY
O Hugh Grant, why did you forsake her? Makes swimwear.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Makes us all shout: "Bend it like Keira!" (Bend what?)

LUCY LIU
What makes her so unique? Went to Stuyvesant. Has freckles.

KEANU REEVES
Excellent Adventure days are past—now he plays a dentist.

NICOLE RICHIE
All we know is that she must be stopped immediately.

RAY ROMANO
Do comedians get any funnier than this beloved star? Possibly.

HOWARD STERN
Let's be quiet for a few years. How about...ten?

Snow—Emergency Additional Post

2005-12-09T05:08:00.000-08:00

BLIZZARD OF '77
Actually began in December '76. Later a Nada Surf song.

CRYSTALLOGRAPHY, BY CHRISTIAN BÖK
Canadian wiz's beautifully experimental poems capture the season. Buy it!

"FIRE AND ICE" BY PAT BENATAR
"You come on like a flame," then—what? Still confusing.

FLURRIES
Stare at them too long, recreate ambience of old newsreel.

ICICLES
Start looking for these characters to appear soon. Be careful!

"LET IT SNOW"
Perfect: "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow."

MUTANT SNOWMEN
Kids' creations had succumbed to warming temperatures. Time to rebuild.

"MY FAVORITE THINGS," FROM THE SOUND OF MUSIC
Favorite line: "Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes."

FROM STEVENS'S "THE SNOW MAN":
"[N]othing that is not there, and the nothing that is."

WINTER
We like it right now, but check back in February.

Snow

2005-12-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

SALT
Melts ice. Rots cars. Makes it tempting to lick streets.

SHOVEL
Keep one handy at all times—because you never know!

SLUSH
Snow/ice blend found on sidewalks. Can be surprisingly deep.

SMILLA'S SENSE OF SNOW
This film was going to establish what's-her-name's career.

SNOW (I)
Eskimos have a hundred words for it. Is that true?

SNOW (II)
A novel by Orhan Pamuk. One of his best? Sure.

SNOW (III)
Canadian rapper, of "Informer" fame. (What was up with that)?

SNOW (IV)
Don't eat the yellow parts unless it's lemonade. Even then...

SNOW (V)
Common nickname for cocaine. Or, uh, that's what I'm told.

SUNDAY
We woke to snow. Fed sunflower seeds to nearsighted squirrels.

Tenth Issue: Special gala edition, in which we take a look back

2005-12-04T12:29:00.000-08:00

DEBUT ISSUE
This one was pretty good at conveying the basic idea.

TWLS
Written while a terrible, idiotic media giant "absorbed" Ten Words.

THE LEISURE ISSUE
Things were a lot more stressful under our British overlords.

MIDWESTERN EDITION
A prank involving a burrito sent the new regime running.

THANKSGIVING
Back to normal, we breaked frequently for yoga and boilermakers.

THE NEW DIACRITICISM
Aimed at proofreader nerds and word shamans. Our biggest seller!

TWLS #2
Every TWLS is a warm-up for next May's Houellebecq issue.

THE MUSIC ISSUE
We took acid and composed these backwards. Orb, doog lla...

AUTUMN-TO-WINTER TRANSITIONAL ISSUE
A stopgap of sorts, but with some lovely, limpid gems

TENTH ISSUE
A fizzy recap of our history. Not to be missed!

Autumn-to-winter transitional issue

2005-12-02T10:10:00.000-08:00

BIRDS
You've got needs, but nesting under my window? Please leave.

FEET
Are they supposed to be this cold? Without socks, yes.

FIRST OF DECEMBER
So dark already. I haven't even had lunch. Weeping time.

"FOR YOU," SISTER LOVERS
By Big Star
"And in these autumn days I wander through the leaves."

GERMINAL
Dirty mines, dirty miners, dissolute Depardieu—it's all quite distressing.

GOOGLE MAPS
I think I see my foot in that satellite image.

MULLED CIDER
Some people drink cider instead of beer. This is different.

OATMEAL PACKETS
Can't find them—no breakfast. That's fine. I'll rough it.

MUSCLE SPASM
Not as debilitating as the last one, better than broccoli.

WIND
Good for sailboats, kites, pollination, dramatic flag effects, certain hairdos.

The Music Issue

2005-11-30T10:00:00.000-08:00

...AND YOU WILL KNOW US BY THE TRAIL OF DEAD
Caterwauling parallel between Mayan corn-god sacraments and ancient Babylonian texts.

BLACK METAL
Nordic genre, sure, but Californians Xasthur and Leviathan shred, dude.

KHANATE
Capture and Release
I accidentally spilled the haunted-house dust onto my stereo.

MY iPOD TODAY
The Album Leaf played as I sat in the park.

WILL OLDHAM
That warble. That beard. And he's covered R. Kelly's "Ignition."

ROLLING STONE
People for aging rockers who appreciate Bono. My stepfather subscribes.

SHAKIRA
Shimmies hips. Quotes Freud. New song sounds like the Cranberries.

UKULELE ("LANIKAI")
So much pleasure from wood, nylon, air. Warm islands beckon.

WEEZER
Muddled anger posing as the art of loving the loveless.

WHAT MADE MILWAUKEE FAMOUS
Part Shins, part Cursive, part Knack—it's all good, bro.

TWLS #2

2005-11-28T10:00:00.000-08:00

BASIC HOCKEY STRATEGY: AN INTRODUCTION FOR YOUNG PLAYERS (1976)
By Richard B. Lyttle
Foreword by Harry Sinden
Illustrated with Diagrams by John Lane
"Not enough emphasis can be put on backward skating." Word.

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA
(in seven volumes)
By C.S. Lewis
Cowardly Lion as Christ figure poses some hairy logistical problems.

A DANCE TO THE MUSIC OF TIME
(in 12 volumes)
By Anthony Powell
A word describing each volume would overrun our allotted space.

THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN
By Mitch Albom
Spoiler: It's Larry, Curly, Moe, Andrew Dice Clay, and Cher.

JOYCE CAROL OATES
Too prolific? Guess what: She also writes as "Elmore Leonard."

MOME
Fall 2005
"Shamrock Squid" character resembles figure on cover of Crawford's Gascoyne.

'SALEM'S LOT (Illustrated Edition)
By Stephen King
The epic, vampirific pinnacle of Maine-iacal horror maestro's early work.

SELECTED POEMS
By Federico García Lorca
Nice image for bar gamers: "The constellation of the dart"

SKINNY DIP
By Carl Hiaasen
Fun for a while, then not. Electric Charles Burns cover.

TEAM OF RIVALS
by Doris Kearns Goodwin
This book is a national bestseller. I don't know why.

The New Diacriticism, with a special emphasis on the umlaut

2005-11-25T08:50:00.000-08:00

UMLAUT
Ah, good old "beady eyes." Beloved by The New Yorker.

ACCENT GRAVE
When it's time to get serious, use this one liberally

CEDILLA
If letters had hairstyles, this would be the rat tail.

UMLAUT (II)
Can this word exist without the diacritic it signifies? Umm...

CARON
A real turn-on when used randomly in handwritten love letters.

RING
This angelic addition derives from the petroglyph for "Swedish meatball."

TILDE
Works as a mustache—for those with small faces.

UMLAUT (III)
This double dot pushes the "u" closer to its essence.

BREVE
Key for Korean transliterations, it defies reproduction on many keyboards.

ACCENT AIGU
Everyone's favorite over many centuries, its motives are still unknown.

Thanksgiving: A cornucopia of holiday cheer from the Ten Words staff

2005-11-23T06:27:00.000-08:00

CANADIAN THANKSGIVING
(second Monday in October)
Alas—we're too late. Look for a review next year.

DETROIT LIONS' ANNUAL THANKSGIVING GAME
More apropos: the Patriots vs. the Redskins or the Chiefs.

GRAVY
Transported in a "boat." The vegan version's brown, too. Why?

HOLIDAY GIVING
A popular concept, particularly relevant for those in elementary school.

MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
Great floatable fun—but watch out for falling cartoon characters.

MAIZE
In Vermont: "amaizing" labyrinth with ears of corn for walls.

PLYMOUTH, MASSACHUSETTS
"Welcome!" cried an Indian—in English. So we settled here.

STUFFING
Said to be tastier than the bird it resides in.

TURKEY
Gobble, gobble, gobble. Kill. Cook. Serve. Then: Gobble, gobble, gobble.

YAMS
Are these the same as sweet potatoes? Jury's still out.

Midwestern Edition

2005-11-22T09:52:00.000-08:00

DAVID ROASTED & SALTED SUNFLOWER SEEDS
Looks fun, but you must shell them with your tongue.

ILLINOIS
By Sufjan Stevens
Walking around New York listening to "Chicago" feels like cheating.

LAKE GENEVA, WISCONSIN
Birthplace of Dungeons & Dragons. Worth a pilgrimage—but when?

LAWN
Woah: You're big, and have flowers, pools, and sometimes trampolines.

MARSHALLS
On Iowa Marshalls' racks, Marc Jacobs hangs waiting for me.

OHIO
What's round at both ends and high in the middle?

RAIN
This rain sounds like the ocean. Or like angry wheat.

RELIGIOUS HIGHWAY SIGNS
Let's show off the Ten Commandments, or at least five.

THE STONES OF SUMMER
By Dow Mossman
A roaring pastoral freakout, now available at Barnes & Noble.

THE TWENTY-SEVENTH CITY
By Jonathan Franzen
Beware sinister connections between St. Louis real estate and terrorism

The Leisure Issue: In which we relax and outmaneuver the mellow-harshing fates.

2005-11-20T06:27:00.000-08:00

MASS MoCA
Huge installation pieces in an abandoned factory make us happy.

THE SQUID AND THE WHALE
You'll be humming "Hey You" for days. Baldwin is ace.

VERMONT
Lots of foliage, syrup, good skiing, and racial diversity—not!

SUNDAY NEW YORK TIMES WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENTS
There are a lot of nerds getting married these days.

PIZZABOLLA (654 Amsterdam at 92nd)
You'll enjoy the pasta—and return for the chopped salad.

LATE AUTUMN
Damp yellow gingko leaves garnish windshields. What's not to like?

GIVING STUFF AWAY ON CRAIGSLIST
Bizarrely complicated. Attracts weirdos. But still, major shoutouts to Craig!

JOGGING
Why so cold? Go faster! I need a nose hat.

FLAUBERT'S DICTIONARY OF RECEIVED IDEAS
The ultimate in pleasure reading, or, "the art student's bible."

FORCING YOURSELF TO 'COLD CHILL'
It's like driving a racecar on a rhombus-shaped track.

TWLS

2005-11-17T06:27:00.000-08:00

THE BROTHERS KARAMAZOV
By Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Translated with varying degrees of success. Wish I knew Russian.

THE IVANKIAD
By Vladimir Voinovich
Bought at library sale. On flyleaf: "G.A. Majors '85."

KELLY LINK
Watch out: Her stories come with wings, razors, leeches, diamonds.

LEADERSHIP
By Rudolph W. Giuliani
Hope they get someone else to do the audio book.

LOVE CREEPS
By Amanda Filipacchi
A perfect specimen of that endangered creature: the comic novel.

LUNAR PARK
By Bret Easton Ellis
This one's a meta-whatever psychotic monsterpiece that'll make you cry.

VLADIMIR NABOKOV
He's as good as you thought he was years ago.

CHUCK PALAHNIUK
Sometimes I'm still not sure how to pronounce his name.

THE SECRET DIARY OF ADRIAN MOLE, AGED 13 3/4
By Sue Townsend
I paid $1.50 for this. Best $1.50 I've ever spent!

A SPORT AND A PASTIME
By James Salter
On literature's broken-dreams boulevard, he remains the pimp's pimp.

Debut Issue

2005-11-16T05:33:00.000-08:00

FRED ASTAIRE
"Can't act, can't sing, balding. Dances a little." Yeah, right!

BELLE AND SEBASTIAN
Anti-antidepressants for people who slow down sadness to pursue happiness.

THOMAS BERGER
His novels can be nasty, brutish, and short—and addictive.

BOOK BARN (Hillsdale, New York)
It is what it is: a barn filled with books.

BRIEF LIVES
By John Aubrey
Enigmatic and idiosyncratic biographical sketches. My copy smells of damp.

DENNIS COOPER
Each sentence groans under the weight of the following sentence.

E-MAIL
How did we live without it? Well, we wrote letters.

AGOTA KRISTOF
Makes you wonder what you're doing in an alternate reality.

ME AND YOU AND EVERYONE WE KNOW
It's like a tuning fork made of gold. See it.

TRUNG NGUYEN
Strangely potent Vietnamese coffee. Hard-to-decipher ingredients suggest carcinogens.